THINGS CHRISTIANS CAN'T TALK ABOUT, Part 3 - DIVORCE

 

Each of these uncomfortable topics in this brief series of articles are uncomfortable because they carry a sense of embarrassment or even shame. But this particular topic also carries a good deal of pain associated with it – in addition to any feelings of embarrassment or shame. This pain may involve a sense of failure, betrayal, rejection, and humiliation. Divorce rarely effects just the two people involved in ending a marriage. Divorce can scar people like little else can. It can scar socially, financially, emotionally, relationally, and even a person’s physical health – and sometimes do so permanently. Today, it seems to me that too few Christian ministers dare to help their congregations to see marriage the way our Maker and Designer intended it to be understood and applied. In discussing the painful and related issue of divorce that most Christians can’t talk about, I hope to inform, inspire, irritate, and incite holy fear and love. As a result it will be my sincere hope that I can ignite a grander, greater, and more gorgeous vision of GOD and His purpose for marriage as a means for human flourishing. And in the process I will hope that I can instil in those who read this to develop a righteous biblical perspective of divorce.

¶ And Pharisees came up to Him and tested Him by asking,
“Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?”
Matthew 19:3

 

THE PROBLEM WITH A BROKEN UNDERSTANDING OF MARRIAGE

Before we discuss divorce, I need  to establish what marriage is. Over the past five decades the concept of marriage has been radically altered in the public’s understanding. I think it is fair to say that there have been few (if any) periods of human history when the true purpose of marriage has ever been satisfactorily understood. It wasn’t that long ago when marriage was seen by European royal families as a means for establishing strategic allegiances between nations. At other times and places, and for more mundane non-royal motives, marriage was seen as the means of siring as many children as possible to ensure that there would be a sufficient number of sons to help share the load of all the work that had to be done on the family farm. This would have also resulted in a marriage to be more likely between a husband and his much younger wife. Even in some cultures today, marriage involves a husband with many wives (polygamy), and often in those same cultures there is this rather odd practice of ‘mutah marriage’ where a man could enter into a marriage contract for an hour or two!

But none of these practices reflected the true purpose of marriage or of what it was designed for. Throughout history some women who became wives were treated as chattels (as a ‘possession’) and faced the continual threat of shameful divorce from their husband if they did not please him. These have been historic misrepresentations of what GOD intended marriage to be. Yet in our current era rather than correcting our collective understanding of what marriage actually is, there has been a dramatic distortion of what marriage is and its purpose! In the 1970s Australia (and coincidentally – or perhaps, suspiciously) and most other western democracies, changed their divorce laws.

Up until the 1960s, divorce required a reason such as infidelity (‘adultery’). But in the early 1970s when the divorce laws were changed, it no longer required a reason. This became known as no-fault divorce. The result of this change to divorce laws was a largely unforeseen set of outcomes.

1. It produced in the mind of the Australian public (and the western world) that the purpose of marriage was about individual happiness. “People get married to be happy…to live happily ever after.”

2. A husband could leave his wife because he had found another woman who now made him “truly happy” as his new wife.

3. In the mind of the Australian public a marriage was no longer considered a lifelong covenant (despite vowing ‘till death do us part’ and ‘for long as you both shall live’), it was now to be viewed as a contract that came with conditions.

4. Marriage became viewed as a means for legitimate pleasure disconnected from the children conceived as a result of that pleasure.

This seismic aberration of what marriage was intended to be would inevitably lead to a previously inconceivable sacrilege. And as divinely heart-breaking this must have been, it was compounded when those who had entered into holy orders as sacred ministers of GOD’s Spirit-breathed WORD sided with the forces of evil and slandered the One who had gifted marriage and the act-of-marriage to His image bearers and denounced His Word as no longer relevant or applicable.

MARRIAGE AS THE CREATOR OF IT INTENDED

The opening chapters of the Bible introduce the major themes of the Bible (and coincidentally the explanation for why the world is the way it is). And it does all this in just over twenty one hundred words. These themes include: 

(1) God is the Eternal One and the Uncaused First-Cause (Gen. 1:1).

(2) God is the Designer of the universe (Gen. 1:1).

(3) God created earth as a special planet in a special location in the universe where just the right conditions would be present for: (a) water to exist in three states (liquid, gas, solid); (b) it to be at just the right distance from our nearest star to ensure that our planet would not be too radiated but would receive sufficient amount of sunlight and the chemicals necessary for photosynthesis of vegetation; (c) an equatorial belt with snow capped mountains that would store and deliver fresh water seasonally; (d) oceanic volcanoes that would provide a continual source of essential minerals that would form the basis of the food chain for all life on earth to be able to exist; (e) small and large sea life essential to the survival of human life; (f) small and large land-based animals also essential to the survival of human life; (g) a gaseous atmosphere largely comprised of nitrogen that would compound with other gases such as oxygen and carbon-dioxide to form what we now call “air”; (h) a layered stratosphere over this gaseous atmosphere that would protect the inhabitants of earth from gamma-radiation and meteor bombardment;  and, (i) the capacity for beings from the eternal dimension (‘heaven’) to move back and forth from into and out of this dimension.

But most importantly it introduces the following themes: (4) GOD created human beings as either male or female –

¶ Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.
And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea
and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth
and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”
¶ So God created man in His own image,
in the image of God [imago Dei] He created him;
male and female He created them.
Genesis 1:26-27

(5) He ordained for them to fruitful and multiply as a married couple through their marriage together and GOD’s gift to them of sexual intimacy. Their marriage would thus serve three – but ultimately four – purposes: (i) sealing their covenant of marriage union (“becoming one”); (ii) experiencing a unique divine gift to brings great physical pleasure and comfort to those who are married; and, (iii) the pro-creation of children as their offspring. In the New Testament we discover that GOD also had another majestic purpose of marriage which is why the Lord Jesus Christ upheld this original vision of marriage when He told the  Pharisees – 

He answered, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said,
‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?
So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Matthew 19:4-6

(6) The first man and woman, the progenitors of the human race, disobeyed their Maker and fell from innocence into sin, guilt and shame. This produced a bias (as lawn bowlers refer to it) for all of their descendants to most naturally turn away from their Maker as their God to anything other than Him – especially themselves. What was created by the Maker to be good, beautiful, and a reflection of what was true (the instructions in His Word), now became a world where what was originally created for good was now being misused to become something evil (evil occurs when a good thing is misused for a contrary purpose for which it was not intended).

And it was in the apostolic era that it was revealed that GOD had an even more wonderful purpose for the marriage covenant between a husband and wife –

¶ Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, His body,
and is Himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ,
so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. ¶ Husbands, love your wives,
as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, that He might sanctify her,
having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
so that He might present the church to Himself in splendour, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing,
that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.
He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it,
just as Christ does the church, because we are members of His body.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife,
and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound,
and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Ephesians 5:22-33

– marriage was always intended to be a holy union which served as a sacred picture of the union of the believer to Christ. Thus, the closing book of the Bible reveals the believer’s final destiny to be a holy wedding with Christ. Therefore, sexual intimacy within marriage was also designed as a shadow and foretaste, of the exhilaration, the ecstasy, and the ultimate satisfaction that every believer will enjoy for eternity in knowing and loving Christ.   

 

THE PROBLEM WITH DIVORCE

Once we understand God’s intention for marriage it should become apparent why God then “hates” divorce.

“For I hate divorce!” says the LORD, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the LORD of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.”
Malachi 2:16 (NLT)

Yet God understands what it’s like to experience divorce better than most!

They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?”
He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives,
but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife,
except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”
¶ The disciples said to Him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife,
it is better not to marry.” But He said to them,
“Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given.
Matthew 19:7-11

 

THE DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE OF GOD

Before the revelation of marriage as a foreshadowing of the relationship between Christ and His Church was received by the apostles, GOD spoke of His relationship with Israel as being His marriage to them. But when Israel went into civil war and secession into the Northern and Southern kingdoms, from which time GOD spoke of His marriage to Israel as being between Him and two sisters. When the northern kingdom of Ephraim abandoned their covenant with GOD and went after the worship of idols instead, the prophet Jeremiah described them to the Southern Kingdom (“Judah”) as ‘adulterers’ whom GOD had sent away ‘divorced’

She saw that for all the adulteries of that faithless one, Israel,
I had sent her away with a decree of divorce.
Yet her treacherous sister Judah did not fear, but she too went and played the whore.
Because she took her whoredom lightly, she polluted the land, committing adultery with stone and tree.
Jeremiah 3:8-9

This breakdown of the LORD’s marriage to Israel was dramatically played out by the prophet Hosea who, would be a “living prophecy” to Israel (both kingdoms) of their unfaithful adultery and their divorce from God. But Hosea revealed that the LORD would re-marry, and this time He would take a wife who would be true and faithful to Him. This was a prophecy about the coming of the Christ who would take a people not identified by nationality, but by their devotion to, and worship of, Christ (Rom. 9:25-26). 

 

RECOVERING FROM DIVORCE

“Because of the hardness of your hearts” Jesus told the pharisees, “God allowed divorce, but…” (Matt. 19:8). In other words, because of the original Fall from innocence relationships with others, especially those we are closest to, are subject sinful actions and attitudes. Divorce should never be a troubled married couple’s immediate reaction. Marriage vows should not be taken and broken lightly. The same apostle who extolled marriage also said that when a non-believing spouse abandons their believing spouse, divorce may result (1 Cor. 7:12, 15). My pastoral counsel is that a divorce should never be entered into so that a spouse may marry another person. That is the case even if there is no other person waiting for a divorce to take place. The wish to divorce so as to fulfil the hope to one day re-marry should never be the motive for a divorce. In fact, this motive may well be seen as the sin of concupiscence.

For those who are, or have, divorced your recovery begins with forgiveness and perhaps also repentance. It is furthered by applying the teaching of Christ in Matthew 6:33. It is hindered if you seek revenge for the hurt your former spouse has inflicted. I want to be very clear though, divorce is not the unforgivable sin – rejection of God’s forgiveness through Christ is. As a church we want to welcome the divorced into our church family. And we especially want everyone to understand why marriage is so sacred and should not be entered into quickly or flippantly. This is why anyone about to get married needs to understand the importance of pastoral preparation before getting married as one of the best ways to avoid their marriage ending in divorce.

 

POSTSCRIPT:
THE BEST WAY FOR A COUPLE TO AVOID DIVORCE

Whenever I prepare a couple for their marriage, after we have dispensed with the formal paperwork, the first thing we discuss is what they think are the most common reasons for any couple to divorce? Their answers are usually correct and include financial pressures, drifting apart, unresolved conflict, infidelity (marital unfaithfulness), and parental pressures. I then explain to them that as we prepare for their upcoming wedding, their wedding will not be my focus. Instead, I tell them, their marriage will be my focus. And to do this we will need just one thing: how to argue. Often times a couple will laugh at this news. (Not so surprising really because I am actually an exceptionally funny guy.) But then I inform that in my opinion they have probably never had an argument in their lives – despite them just a few seconds ago assuring me that they argue “all the time!” I then respond to them that what they have been doing all this time is fighting which is not arguing.

Arguing involves learning how to communicate. Learning how to communicate involves doing two things that do not come naturally to us (especially men). I then point out that all of the reasons that they had just given me earlier (about why couple divorce) were all just symptomatic of a failure to communicate well. Even if you have been married a long time, and you never had any pastoral preparation for your marriage, it’s never too late to seek it.

By sharing these few thoughts I hope that more of us will be prepared to talk about this often uncomfortable topic, and for us as a church to create a safe place for people to do so.

Amen.

Pastor at Large,

Andrew

Let me know what you think below in the comment section and feel free to share this someone who might benefit from this Pastor’s Desk.

READ PART 4 - DEATH

THE SIMPLE A.F.L. SOLUTION TO SOCIETY’S WOES

THE SIMPLE A.F.L. SOLUTION TO SOCIETY’S WOES

Dr. Louis Pasteur, Pioneer Biochemist

By the late nineteenth century, the rate of women dying during child-birth had reached epidemic proportions. Louis Pasteur proposed a simple solution and wrote it up as a scientific paper for medical doctors to consider and at least trial. But unfortunately, for the tens of thousands of women who died, they didn’t! Their main reason for rejecting it was that it was “too simple”! But by the early twentieth century the rate of women dying during child-birth had reached alarming heights. In desperation, someone read Pasteur’s paper and thought that it was at least worth a try. And it immediately and dramatically reduced the rate of birthing mother morbidity! Pasteur’s solution? Doctors and nurses need to wash their hands before they delivering a baby! Sometimes complex problems really do have simple solutions.

A photo of a sickly mother and baby taken in the 1890s. Both Mrs Gilmer and her baby died a few days after this photo was taken.

But oh, that God would speak and open His lips to you,
and that He would tell you the secrets of wisdom!
For He is manifold in understanding.
Job 11:5-6a

Our society is also faced with seemingly complex problems. We have an alarmingly high rate of suicide, a growing alcohol/substance/drug abuse problem, a disgracefully high rate of domestic abuse, the highest rates of internet pornography ever, a disgracefully high rate of sexual abuse of women (note the recent #metoo movement) and children (note the recent Royal Commission in Australia), appallingly deteriorating mental health, and a rise in family breakdown and marital divorce. To make matters worse, many of those institutions which used to prevent or alleviate these problems are themselves in decline, struggling for resources, or closing. These include – various clubs, charities, and sadly, churches.

¶ “If your brother becomes poor and cannot maintain himself with you, you shall support him as though he were a stranger and a sojourner, and he shall live with you.
Leviticus 25:35

Fortunately though, this is not our situation – which means that we are still equipped to help our society prevent or alleviate some of these ills it battles with. And while our society’s problems may seem too complex and too big to overcome, I hope to show you that the simple A.F.L. solution is precisely what our society needs (and is looking for) and it is the church which is actually best positioned to deliver it.

COMPLEX PROBLEMS ARE OFTEN SOLVED WITH SIMPLE SOLUTIONS 

The story goes that a town was having a continual problem with people being swept downstream its main river. At first it was just kind-hearted passers-by on their bush-walks who dived in to help the screaming person battling to avoid drowning. But there were so many of them, that the Council voted to employ a life guard and station them at the riverside. But soon he too was unable to keep up with the demand of saving drowning people being swept away to their deaths by the river. The Council voted to fund the building of a permanent ambulance station near the life-guard’s station to make things more efficient in getting the drowning victim to the hospital as quick as possible. But even more people had to be rescued. The Council decided to fund the building of a hospital next to the ambulance station to further improve efficiencies. They then hired a General Manager and an administrator to help run the precinct. Pretty soon though there were government funding cut-backs, so it was decided to make the life-guard’s position redundant so that the other positions could remain being funded. As the now retrenched life-guard gathered their things and headed up the river, they took a leisurely walk over the foot-bridge and noticed a $5 plank of wood was missing which is why all these tourists were falling into the river. After obtaining a replacement plank and installing it in the bridge, a government report later identified that the only cause they had been able to find for so many near-drowning victims was  the direct link to employing a life-guard since when his position became redundant the drowning incidents suddenly stopped! This is not meant to be a parable about how government works, rather, it is meant to highlight that by sometimes going “upstream” from a problem it is possible to find a very simple solution!

Think over what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything.
Second Timothy 2:7

THE SIMPLE A.F.L. SOLUTION

I think we, our church, has something that we regularly enjoy and a vexed world desperately wants – and needs! I think the fact that we treat it all too casually at times, means that we don’t treasure it enough, or realise how much we should share it. In fact, we are sometimes so cavalier with these treasures that we leave them lying around gathering dust. Let me explain.

Everything we do as followers of Christ flows out of who Jesus is. 

¶ Remember Jesus Christ, risen from the dead, the offspring of David, as preached in my gospel,
Second Timothy 2:8

As we consider who Jesus is and His attributes of kindness, mercy, justice, intolerance of evil, deep spirituality, thankfulness, concern for the marginalised, compassion for the weak, and mercy for the broken, we too begin to develop these traits. I think we could classify nearly all of Christ’s attributes under these three headings: acceptance, forgiveness, and, love. I would conclude by highlighting what should be immediately obvious about these three groupings – that it is precisely the lack of these three qualities infiltrating the lives of every broken person in our society which is at the root of all society’s woes, despite society thinking they already enjoy them.  

By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”
John 13:35

HOW A.F.L. MEETS EVERY PERSON’S MOST BASIC NEEDS

Without genuine acceptance, people feel alone, misunderstood, rejected, and prone to social anxiety. Jesus accepted people – especially the outcast and marginalised. He demonstrated acceptance of people who had only every really experienced rejection for most of their lives. He went to the hiding demoniacs (Matt. 8:28). He waited in the heat of the day for the scorned woman – and talked freely with her (Jn 4). He honoured the prostitute who washed His feet with her tears and dried them with her hair (Luke 7). He touched the lepers who hadn’t been touched for so long (Lk. 7:22). Christ’s acceptance involved the giving of time, dialogue, and appropriate touch. The world offers fake acceptance when it confuses acceptance with endorsement. Christ’s acceptance of the woman caught in the act of adultery, did not involve accepting her as an adulteress but as a woman created in the image of God. Acceptance by Christ never involved Him tolerating a person’s sin.

Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”
John 8:10-11

We, the accepted by Christ are called and enabled by the Holy Spirit to be agents of God’s acceptance of those who feel lonely, ugly, awkward, unwanted, or unworthy.

Forgiving is confused by the world for acquitting. To be acquitted is to be found innocent. Christ does not find any of us innocent! This is why we each need His mercy which enables us to be pardoned. Without genuine forgiveness a person often just throws themself deeper into sin in the hope that it won’t hurt anymore. The final instalment of the Godfather movie Trilogy powerfully illustrates how futile this can be. The murderer is wracked with guilt so murders again and again and again all the while hoping that he won’t feel guilt anymore to no avail. 

We, the forgiven by Christ are called and enabled by the Holy Spirit to be agents of God’s forgiveness toward those who feel guilty, ashamed, unclean, or unworthy.

Love is a verb (a doing word) which produces a feeling. The world swaps these around and comes up empty every time. Consider First Corinthians 13:4-6. Count how many actions flow out of the decision to love are in that passage. The world confuses lust, infatuation, or desire for love, and then wonders why they “fall” in and out of it so often! Christ’s kind of love involves commitment and a cost. It is other-focussed. It is grounded in rightness, goodness, and truth, rather than mere attraction, lust, or desire. Christ’s cross is the ultimate example of love and we who have experienced Christ’s love cannot but help to have our hearts transformed and lives realigned to care for others in committed way that will cost us.

We, the loved by Christ are called and enabled by the Holy Spirit to be agents of God’s love toward those who feel empty, lost, unneeded, or unworthy.

Ordinarily I would close these weekly pastoral epistles by urging us to reflect each of these traits this Sunday. But there’s no time to waste. We need to commence right now – and keep doing them each Sunday for as long as there is breath in our lungs! The solution to society’s biggest, most complex ills, are as simple as A. F. L. – Acceptance | Forgiveness | Love.

Your servant in Christ,

Pastor Andrew

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN

The Gospel of Jesus Christ has revolutionised how women are treated. Jesus Christ was a radical in the way He treated women. He honoured women. He gave them respect. Women's sense of worth took on new bounds of pure dignity. Rather than being relegated to menial tasks to serve unappreciative men, Jesus Christ shocked everyone by entrusting His mission to women as well as to men. Indeed, the first people to witness then proclaim His resurrection were women. So deep has the Gospel permeated the Western World, that we now take it for granted the inherent dignity that women deserve. And above all, the Gospel of Jesus Christ has dramatically reinstated God's intention for marriage for women. 

At the time of Christ's earthly mission, women were treated, excuse me, mistreated, as little more than objects. They were frequently physically, sexually, and financially abused. They were generally not equal partners in marriage. Outside of Israel, women entered marriage for various reasons but rarely for anything noble. In fact, study Roman history around the time of Caesar Tiberius and you'll be horrified to discover that women were  "subservientem" (utterly subordinate ones). This is why Christ's statements about marriage in Matthew 19, for example, were utterly shocking to His original audience. We sometimes think that marriage today has become a relatively disposable commodity, but back in the First Century, divorce was rife! 

Matt. 19:3 ¶ And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” 

Matt. 19:4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female,

Matt. 19:5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?

Matt. 19:6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Marriage from the beginning, said Jesus, was designed by God to be between a male and a female (Mat. 19:4) so that a woman would be "held" (provided for, protected, cherished, and loved) "fast" (permanently close) by her husband (Mat. 19:5). When Jesus declared that God had joined a man and a woman together, He was making a powerful statement about the abuse of women through unjustifiable divorce.

This Gospel teaching about the indispensable role of women and the purpose of marriage to ensure that  they can flourish is expounded by Christ's apostles in their epistles. The concept of love in a marriage (which we now take for granted) is taught by Paul in Ephesians 5. He charges husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. If husbands do nothing more than strive to fulfil this charge, they will  go a long way to ensuring that their wife reaches her potential happiness! The Apostle Peter similarly charges husbands to honour their wives, strive to understand them, and treat them with gentleness - so that their prayers may not be hindered! (1Peter 3:7). So highly does God consider His female image bearers that He warns husbands about spiritual barrenness if they don't honour (to treat and value as most important) their wives.

This elevation of womanhood by Christ and His Gospel doesn't start with the redemption of marriage though. It goes back to how a woman is to be treated before she's married. A very important part of nearly every wedding vow is to live together after the holy ordinance of marriage. That is, before marriage a man is not to treat the woman he will marry as if they are married. In fact, the Apostle commands men to treat women they are not married to as either their mother or their sister!

1Tim. 5:1 ¶ Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers,

 older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.

Young men, just because you're engaged to a young lady doesn't mean you can treat her as if she is your wife! You are commanded by the Gospel of Jesus Christ to treat her as a "sister". Until you marry, your fiancé is your sister not your wife! Don't do anything with her that you wouldn't do with your sister. This level of man to woman respect is desperately needed today and sorely lacking. Every time a man sleeps with his fiancé he is teaching her that it's OK to sleep with someone you're not married to! 

The Gospel instructs for women to be with tenderness, respect, honour and dignity. Showing common courtesies such as opening doors, stepping aside, assisting with arduous physical tasks is not old fashioned - rather, if more men understand the Gospel in this matter, it should be fashionable.

Andrew Corbett