REPEATING PATTERNS AND BREAKING CHAINS

REPEATING PATTERNS

 Who do we blame? You might think that the opening sentences of this brief article are missing. After all, what’s gone wrong? What’s happened? Who’s involved? But those details are less important. First, we need someone to blame.

 Somehow, we have, as a society, confused blame with solution. Some politicians blame and win electors’ votes. Some media commentators blame and increase their ratings/subscriptions/followers. Some sports coaches blame and get their contracts renewed. It seems we blame because it works – if by works we mean that we don’t have to accept any blame. 

 The blaming lifestyle is relatively easy to detect. It always has a pattern. That pattern looks something like this:

Person A enters into Context A and a Type 1 Problem results.

Person A enters into Context B and a Type 1 Problem results.

Person A enters into Context C and a Type 1 Problem results.

Person A enters into Context D and a Type 1 Problem results.

  What reason does Person A think caused a problem in each of the different Contexts? Before I point out the cause of the problem resulting in each scenario, there is only one thing that is consistent in each of these scenarios – and it’s not the different Contexts!

 It can be an almost impossible task for a blamer to recognise such obvious patterns. This task becomes even more complicated when the various Contexts actually do share some small measure of blame for the recurring problem. But until a blamer recognises the repeating patterns in their life – and does the one thing that can break this cycle – they will, like Sisyphus, be doomed to repeat the very thing which causes their pain and frustration.

 What is this one thing that can break this cycle of pain and frustration? When our parental forebears, Eve and Adam, rebelled, God’s presence somehow exposed them as blamers. Adam now blamed Eve. Eve blamed the serpent. And the serpent didn’t have a leg to stand on. God ignored this blaming and took the responsibility for solving this catastrophe. Responsibility breaks the cycle of blaming which leads to pain and frustration.

 The most catastrophic problem we each face is the eternal guilt and shame resulting from our sinfulness and sin. A solution has been made available by Christ, The Burden-Bearer and Great Solution-Provider. The solution is offered freely to all but requires some responsibility from us: acknowledgment of our guilt, confession of our sin, an appeal to the Saviour. Our propensity to blame is so rooted in our natures’ that it takes initiating-responsibility from the Holy Spirit for its bondage to be broken so that we can exercise our responsibility to take this responsibility of being honest to God in order to receive His forgiveness and grace. This is not just a matter of our conversion event either. It is the ongoing means for us to be transformed from a hurt, pained, frustrated, blamer – into a healed, whole, fulfilled responsible spiritual adult.

CHRIST, THE CHAIN-BREAKER

 Some blamers go from church to church to church always being ‘hurt’. I hope that hundreds of these hurting and frustrated people will be drawn to our church and the pattern of their church experience will be broken as the Holy Spirit brings them to healing wholeness and fulfilment as they discover different strategies for dealing with difficult people and circumstances. Like any family, we will have times of disagreement and sharp reminders of our fallen-yet-redeemed human natures. But like any family which becomes stronger and closer by resolving such disagreements, we too can grow closer and stronger as we learn what the Gospel means when it commands God’s people to patiently bear with one another. This involves breaking those cyclic chains that come from blaming which causes us to run and once again repeat the very patterns which have led us to be hurt, pained, and frustrated.

Brothers, do not be children in your thinking. Be infants in evil, but in your thinking be mature.
First Corinthians 14:20

 Hurt, pain, and frustration can become a very comfortable set of clothes. It has many benefits after all (sympathy, attention, support, and so on) but it has one glaring disadvantage: it keeps us in bondage and denies us the blessing of becoming mature. I hope that our church becomes a place where the chains of blame are broken from off the lives of those seemingly forever wandering like immature Israel in the wilderness and that these formerly hurting broken lost and lonely souls can find their way across the Jordan and enter into the Promised Land of God’s blessing (a Land of giants, battles, toil, and hard-work – by the way). I pray that those who have only ever known the milk of God’s Word will begin to enjoy its milk and honey and meat.

For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God. You need milk, not solid food, for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.
Hebrews 5:12-14

 Blame alone cannot provide solutions. It is my hope that we as a church will an agent of God’s solutions to people. By so doing we will fulfil our motto of helping to make life better.

Pastor Andrew

The Pain Caused By Unreasonable Blaming

We’ve all experienced the pain that comes from being blamed for something. Probably because I make more mistakes than most, I get blamed more than most. But for the most part, I deserve it – because, well, I actually am to blame. As a pastor it is a part of my ministry to those in my care to minister healing to their souls which have been wounded with invisible pain. Most of the time these wounded souls wear an impression mask to hide their true pain from others. But in those precious moments of trust, they will take their masks down and let you see into their wounded hearts. But in all my years of pastoral therapy and support for wounded souls, rarely is their a pain that hurts so many so much as unreasonable blame.

Even in laughter the heart may ache, 
and the end of joy may be grief.
Proverbs 14:13

Perhaps the single most disturbing and shocking example of this was when a young lady came and saw me from another church. She told of how, from the age of 5 or so, she had been molested and raped each week by an elder in the church in her family home. The Youth Minister reported her accusation to the Senior Pastor. Neither of them believed her because they considered the elder to be of impeccable character. What followed from her call for help still boggles and outrages me to this day. The Senior Pastor called her and the elder to his church office. He told the girl that she was a liar and needed to apologise to the elder standing in the Pastor’s office with her. The Senior pastor then left his office and closed the door so that she could apologise to the elder! Her allegations were later found to be true, but not before she had had to go into years of psychiatric care. She experienced some of the worst unreasonable blame I have ever dealt with and her unbelievable pain was both understandable and outrageous at the same time due to its grossly unjust nature.  

Bloodthirsty men hate one who is blameless
and seek the life of the upright.
Proverbs 29:10

We live in a world were abusers unreasonably blame their victims. A woman is raped and the rapist blames the woman for being out at night, or wearing what he considered to be a revealing dress. A patient dies and their family blames their doctor for it because he was on his annual leave at the time. Parents lose one of their children while on a camping trip only to find them days later when Search And Rescue discovered their body at the bottom of a cliff. The parents then blame their other child  for not keeping a close enough eye on their sibling. A natural disaster hits a community and dozens of people lose their homes and the electorate blames their political leaders. Unreasonable blame hurts like nothing else and this world is rife with it.

UNJUST BLAMING IS DUE TO OUR SIN NATURE

Unreasonable and unjust blaming began immediately when sin entered into the human race. 

Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. ¶ And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.”
Genesis 3:7-12

Commonly, those who most liberally dispense unreasonable blame and the ones who are battling the most with unresolved guilt. Watch out for the constantly critical person! Chances are they are masking their own guilt and failure by constantly unreasonably blaming others for being inadequate failures. When God held Adam to account, the guilty progenitor of the human race immediately dished out unreasonable and unjustified blame onto his wife. Eve, refusing take this blame, redirected this blame onto the serpent, and the serpent of course didn’t have a leg to stand on.

ACCEPTING APPROPRIATE BLAME  IS ESSENTIAL TO ACCOUNTABILITY

I hate failing. I hate being wrong. But what I hate even more is being blamed when I am. But it is deserved blame. Unless I can accept blame when it is deserved, I cannot be held accountable. If I cannot be held accountable, I cannot become who God wants me to be. Correction from wrong doing or wrong being can only occur when I admit, confess, and repent. As difficult as it is, it requires the core and essential Christian trait – humility –  to do so.

Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
First Peter 5:5

THE KIND-HEARTED ARE SOFT TARGETS FOR UNREASONABLE BLAME

Why do our own family often say the most hurtful things to us? Usually it’s because fellow family members are the softest targets for another member’s frustrations. A ‘soft’ target is a non-moving target and therefore easiest to hit. It doesn’t retaliate. Given the choice between venting our frustration toward someone who has strong, clear unmistakeable boundaries who will not tolerate inappropriate behaviour, and a soft target (someone close to us who unconditionally loves us despite our bad behaviour), we are all more included to take aim at the soft target. 

The challenge then for the kind-hearted, soft target, is to establish clear boundaries with those who seek to expel unreasonable blame on them. The bigger challenge is to get these kind-hearted souls to realise that when they take their stand and refuse to accept this unreasonable blame that they are still being kind-hearted. Clear boundaries often test and reveal the true levels of respect within a relationship. 

Hurt people hurt people.

Guilt-ridden people are highly-critical people.

When parents continually and unreasonably blame one of their children for the plight of their other child, they may actually be admitting to feeling that they have failed to parent their children well enough. In an instance like this, the child who blames their parents or their sibling for their plight is the instigator of this unreasonable blame and is in reality admitting their own failure to take and accept responsibility for their own lives, choices and actions. For as long as they do this, they will remain emotionally, socially, and intellectually stunted. Whenever a family member who is serving as the family’s “soft target” remains reluctant to establish clear boundaries (which nearly always result in a temporary breakdown of their fellowship with their blamers) they perpetuate their own pain, and further the stunting of their fellow family members maturing.

Of course this kind of pain doesn’t just occur within families. It occurs within organisations, churches, work-places, schools, and neighbourhoods. But the principles of remedy are the same. There comes a point when you have establish your boundaries which resemble: I’m prepared to accept blame for those things for which I am truly responsible – but, I cannot, will not, and should not be unreasonably blamed for something that the person primarily responsible for is not prepared to accept responsibility for! In rare occasions this boundary-setting leaves the relationship unhindered. Perhaps this is why it is so difficult for the kind-hearted to set such boundaries. 

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Romans 12:18

A CLOSING WORD TO UNREASONABLE BLAMERS

In my experience, those who unreasonably blame others who cannot reasonably be held responsible, are hurting people. It is human nature to look for someone to blame. Blame can be constructive. I have already mentioned that it is an essential component of accountability. But unreasonable blame is unwarranted blame. It is unfair. It is hurtful. 

It would be my pastoral hope that those who have engaged in unreasonable blaming will find this brief article to be something of a mirror which might help them to recognise the angst they have been causing others. In this hope is the aspiration that just perhaps, the beauty of humility (leading to repentance and seeking forgiveness) will be so attractive that it will then expose the ugliness of toxic and unhelpful judgmentalism. 

May God give you, the unreasonably blamed, the grace to stand within appropriate boundaries. And may God give you, the unreasonably blaming, the grace to walk in humility and seek the forgiveness He offers and of those you have caused unjust pain too. And finally, for those of you who have been emotionally, relationally, and socially stunted, by your reluctance to take responsibility for your own choices, actions, and outcomes, may God heal your hearts, fill you with His peace, overwhelm you with contentment, transform your critical heart into an intercessor’s heart, and turn your mourning into dancing (Psalm 30:11).

In love,

Ps. Andrew

WHO CAN WE BLAME FOR THIS?

Blame doesn’t really solve anything. Yet most of us seem content to blame rather than solve. When David Attenborough was asked by Charles Woolley, during last Sunday’s “60 Minutes” interview, why he didn’t believe there was a God, Mr. Attenborough didn’t give a reason, rather, he raised an objection. (There is a world of difference in proving that something does not exist, and, objecting to its existence!) His objection was to blame God for human suffering. He said, “I always reply by saying that I think of a little child in east Africa with a worm burrowing through his eyeball. The worm cannot live in any other way, except by burrowing through eyeballs.” How could there be a good all-powerful God who would create such a barbaric scenario, reasons Mr Attenborough.

Blame doesn’t really comfort anyone.

Blame can lead to unforgiveness and the highly emotionally toxic condition of bitterness. An unforgiving bitter, person, doesn’t solve anything or even find any lasting comfort in their blaming. Some of life’s difficulties can not be solved in this life-time, but the one who is afflicted with difficulties can always at least be comforted in this life-time. But not if all anybody does is blame.  

Blame doesn’t really help anyone.

Our propensity to blame started with our first parents. When the Creator arrived in the Garden of Eden to walk with Adam and Eve in the cool of the day, Adam and Eve hid. When God confronted with Adam about why he had eaten from the forbidden tree, Adam's immediate response was to blame Eve. Eve in turn blamed the serpent, and the serpent didn't have a leg to stand on!

When Job’s so-called comforters turned up to solve, comfort and help, all they did was blame. They blamed Job for his predicament. Surely he had sinned, they argued, or had been foolish or not given God His due honour? In all their blaming, Job was not comforted.    

Blame doesn’t really change anything.

Harsh criticism may, at times, be warranted – but unless it is accompanied by aid nothing will change. A pastor may be criticised for a particular ministerial deficiency, but unless he is aided by the support of the same critic, there is very little likelihood that his deficiencies will be addressed and thus, nothing will change.

When Christ’s disciples saw the man born blind, they asked who was to blame?

¶ As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
John 9:1-2

Jesus Christ brings comfort, help, solutions, and change.

Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”
John 9:3

Rather than blaming anyone, Christ solved, comforted, helped, and brought change to the situation. This is the difference that Christ can make in any difficult situation. God may be the One to blame in some people’s minds for what appears to be senseless suffering in this world, but this necessarily requires that He also exists. Thus, David Attenborough’s (and it is an objection repeated by Stephen Fry and Richard Dawkins) objection to God only works if there is a God to blame. I wonder if our ability to see any possible good from tragedy, suffering, misery, pain, has more to do with our very very finite knowledge of how the world works? Similarly, I wonder if God always has morally good reasons for having a world in which tragedy, suffering, misery, pain, happens. Someone has pointed out that in the absence of these adversities such positive virtues as compassion, mercy, forgiveness, long-suffering, patience, toil, could not be developed in those God is preparing in this life for the life-everlasting.

The emptiness of Mr Attenborough’s misplaced blame.

When David Attenborough shakes his fist at God and blames Him for the suffering of the East African boy blighted with the “Loa Loa Eye-Worm”, nothing is solved. The boy is not comforted by this blaming. The boy is not helped by this blaming. (I wonder whether the boy shares Mr Attenborough’s blame God for his affliction or whether he actually looks to God to solve, comfort, help and change his predicament?) By the way, Mr Attenborough is only partly right about this parasitic worm which pervades the swamps and rain forests of West Africa (not East Africa). According to Wikipedia–

Loa loa filariasis is a skin and eye disease caused by the nematode worm Loa loa. Humans contract this disease through the bite of a deer fly or mango fly.

Something that Mr Attenborough fails to mention is that this parasite doesn’t require a human eye for its survival (even though he asserts that it does) and that it can be hosted by a human or animal without detection or even symptoms for many years. He also fails to mention the many medical missionaries who have gone into these regions of Africa to comfort, heal, help, and change this situation on behalf of those who are afflicted with such parasites. The Loa Loa Filariasis Parasite is treatable with medication and in some incidences, surgery. The God whom David Attenborough, Stephen Fry, and Richard Dawkins blame for such injustices appears to be the same God who has raised up people of compassion, self-sacrificial love and dedication, to bring healing, hope and comfort to those afflicted.

Blaming won’t heal you.

Organisations such as CBM (Christian Blind Mission) are tremendously effective in providing solutions for people in Africa and other parts of the world who are afflicted with curable blindness and other diseases. Of  course, they aren’t the only organisation doing such work, World Vision, Compassion International, are also providing hope, help, and healing in Jesus’ Name to the poorest, most desperate people’s of the world. When Jesus told His disciples that this particular blind man was afflicted so that the works of God could be made manifest (John 9:3), He was stating a principle for dealing with any life-difficulty: rather than wasting your time looking for someone to blame, seek our Heavenly Father’s grace to minister hope, help, healing, solutions, and comfort to those who are afflicted. This means we get involved with the hurting, broken, damaged, lost, and confused individuals of our world and show them the love and holiness of God. And it also means that we care enough for our society to speak up about injustice and unrighteousness that can only lead to even further hurt, brokenness, damage, pain, and confusion. This is one reason why we take a stand for the sanctity of marriage as the only legitimate context for human sexuality. 

  

It’s time to stop blaming and time to start your healing.

Blaming pours fuel on the fires of unforgiveness that simmer and flare-up in your soul. It’s time to let it go. It’s time to unclench your fist and open your palm toward Heaven. It’s time to change. It’s time to be healed. You may have been blaming God for how unfair your life has been, and secretly withdrawing from Him because you feel you can no longer truly trust Him with your life. Let it go. He is trustworthy. He knows what’s best for you. He loves you more than anybody else can or does. He offers you hope, help, healing, comfort, and solutions and it begins with you acknowledging your need for Him.

“We must work the works of him who sent me while it is day; night is coming, when no one can work. As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” Having said these things, he spit on the ground and made mud with the saliva. Then he anointed the man’s eyes with the mud and said to him, “Go, wash in the pool of Siloam” (which means Sent). So he went and washed and came back seeing.
John 9:4-7

Amen.