HOW TO DEVELOP YOUR RELATIONSHIP SKILLS

 HOW TO DEVELOP YOUR RELATIONSHIP SKILLS

This year we have been laying a foundation for knowing God and then each Sunday building upon it. Throughout June we are focusing on how knowing God enables us to find our joy in Him and consequently to discover that He enables us to find joy in our relationships with others. But sadly, for many people who have vowed to love, serve, and follow Jesus, this has not always been easy to do. This is why the current sub-theme of humility is critically important if someone desires to truly experience joy in each of their various relationships with others. 

 

HOW WE DEFINE JOY AND HOW WE DEFINE HUMILITY:

WHY SOME PEOPLE HAVE A HARD TIME AT DOING RELATIONSHIPS:

HOW THESE LACKING RELATIONSHIP SKILLS CAN BE CORRECTED:

Over the next few weeks we continue build on the foundation of knowing God which leads to building more joyous relationships with others. If this is something that you want to improve, remember, it begins with humbling yourself.

Amen.

Your Pastor,

Andrew

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I AM NOT ALONE

As Jesus prepared to approach the Cross, He gathered His disciples in Jerusalem and addressed them over a sacred meal in a private, secluded, upstairs room. As He began to address them an enemy entered that room which only Jesus could see. This enemy whispered into the invisible ear of the one he had already lured into a love for money. Jesus recognised this dark voice. He had previously heard it in a wilderness exchange that He refused to succumb to. In a matter of minutes Jesus would dismiss His traitor and betrayer and talk only to His remaining terrified disciples. “You will all leave Me” He told them. Peter, who was always quick to speak, spoke up in response, “I will lay down my life for You.” Eventually he would. But not this night. This night, all but one would indeed flee from Jesus and leave Him friendless. Alone? No. Jesus said, “Yet I am not alone!” And even though you might feel alone, you too, are not. Here’s why.

 I have been finding great solace from my study of John’s Gospel over these past two years or so. In this last Gospel I am discovering fresh insights into the magnificence of Christ Jesus.The outstanding thing for me has been the fresh realisation of His closeness to His Father. Over and over again throughout John’s retelling of the redemptive work of Christ the Gospel-writer tells us that Jesus was on a mission from His Father, that He was in constant communication with the Father, that He often spent time alone (often at night) with His Father, and that He longed to introduce His disciples (followers) into the same kind of intimacy with His Father.

¶ And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us,
and we have seen His glory,
glory as of the only Son from the Father,
full of grace and truth.
John 1:14

In fact, in John’s introductory chapter he tells his readers that what Jesus achieved in His mission was to make the Father known.

No one has ever seen God;
the only God, who is at the Father’s side,
He has made Him known.
John 1:18

 While the other Gospel writers only chose to refer to the second time that Jesus cleansed the Temple by driving out the money-changers, and those merchants who sold pigeons (Jn. 2:16), John describes the first time Jesus did this as one of His foundational acts of His public ministry – because of His zeal for His Father and the house that was supposed to be in honour of Him.

And He told those who sold the pigeons,
“Take these things away; do not make my Father’s house a house of trade.”
John 2:16

His disciples remembered that it was written,
“Zeal for your house will consume Me.”
John 2:17

The intimacy that Jesus had with His Father was an offence to the religious leaders of Israel who knew nothing of the Father (Jn. 16:3). This intimacy with God was more than the religious leaders could fathom especially when Jesus declare that He was equal to the Father. 

¶ This was why the Jews were seeking all the more to kill Him,
because not only was He breaking the Sabbath,
but He was even calling God His own Father,
making Himself equal with God.
John 5:18

Hours before Jesus was taken by force on the mountain-top garden of Gethsemane, where He would go to confront the evil one (a scene reminiscent of the serpent’s original temptation of the first man and woman), Jesus gave his last instructions to His disciples. John tells us that Jesus was already greatly troubled (Jn. 13:21) and that this deep anguish was compounded by His knowledge that all but one of His disciples would soon abandon Him and leave Him utterly friendless (Jn 16:31). “The hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and you will leave Me alone” Jesus sullenly declared.

But, what He was about to go through, He announced again to His disciples, was that His death on the cross would make a way for each of them to have the same kind of relationship that He enjoyed with His Father – because the Father loved them!

In that day you will ask in My name, and I do not say to you that I will ask the Father on your behalf;
for the Father Himself loves you, because you have loved Me and have believed that I came from God.
I came from the Father and have come into the world, and now I am leaving the world and going to the Father.”
John 16:26-28

Jesus concluded His Farewell Discourse with His disciples with the greatest prayer recorded in the Bible. In this prayer we hear Christ’s heart for His Church and how He longed for each His followers to relate to the Father — include His followers who were yet to be born!

¶ “I do not ask for these only,
but also for those who will believe in Me through their word,
that they may all be one, just as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You,
that they also may be in Us, so that the world may believe that You have sent Me.
John 17:20-21

 Thus, even though Jesus felt the deep pain of rejection and the grief that comes from being abandoned, He was confident that because of His relationship with the Father, He was not alone!

 Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come,
when you will be scattered, each to his own home,
and will leave Me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with Me.
John 16:32

John tells his readers why Jesus chose to say this. This was said, Jesus revealed, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world (Jn. 16:33). In other words, there will be times in your life that you will experience rejection, abandonment, being misunderstood, all because you follow Me—and in those times, even though it might feel like it—you are not alone! In forecasting this glorious New Covenant provided relationship with God, the Old Testament announced that Christ would be to the New Covenant believer a Friend who will stick by you closer than a brother (Prov. 18:24). As you follow Christ and continue to seek to know Him and to make Him known, you and I can enjoy an intimacy with the Father that is surely greatest promise that Jesus guaranteed for all who followed, and would one day follow, Him. Surely then, the essence of what it means to be saved and to embark on the Christian journey was summed up in Christ’s prayer-  

And this is eternal life, that they know You,
the only true God,
and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.
John 17:3

You are not alone! You have an audience of One!

Your Pastor,

Andrew

Let me know what you think below in the comment section and feel free to share this someone who might benefit from this Pastor’s Desk.

PAINTING A PICTURE WITH A THOUSAND WORDS

 PAINTING A PICTURE WITH A THOUSAND WORDS

Communication experts tell us that the words we use only constitute around 30% of how we communicate. While I’m not sure how they arrived at that figure, it’s easy enough to see what they’re saying from how we communicate without words. For example, we often use our hands to communicate. When a hand is used to wave or make a fist it is communicating two distinct things. A finger on a hand can point at something or another finger can say something not quite as helpful. A frown or a smile also communicates quite different messages. A kiss can communicate different things depending on whether it’s your Grandma or your three-year old daughter or your spouse. Because communication and language involves around 70% non-verbal speech, it is quite tricky to master—and especially so if you want to develop some close relationships. In fact, if you want to learn how to get along with anyone, you must learn how they communicate. And to state the obvious, if you have committed, or ever will commit, yourself entirely to another person, you will soon discover that you both have a “language” that will be at the heart of all of your conflicts. 

We are from God. Whoever knows God listens to us;
whoever is not from God does not listen to us.
By this we know the Spirit of truth and the spirit of error.
First John 4:6

I’ve been language learning for a number of years. This has included learning Biblical Greek; then, as my theological enquiries have deepened and broadened, I began to learn German some time ago (as many of the most influential theologians in the world are German). If you’ve ever tried to learn a foreign language you’ll soon discover that each language has strange expressions that sound nonsensical when translated word-for-word into English. This is certainly the case in both Biblical Greek and German. These odd expressions are known as idioms. The German idiom – “Die Nase voll haben” which in English literally is, “Your nose is full.” But this German expression has nothing to do with having a head-cold, flu symptoms, or even a snuffly nose. It actually means that someone is frustrated and fed-up! This highlights that even if language only consisted of the words we use, it would still be difficult to always understand what someone might really mean when they use an unfamiliar idiom!

“‘This people honors Me with their lips,
but their heart is far from Me’”
Matthew 15:8

 

GOD HAS A LANGUAGE

For His invisible attributes, namely, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse.
Romans 1:20

The Bible contains the language of God. It also reveals how God communicates – through the world He has made, the lives He has transformed, and His plan of redemption revealed in the Bible. If you want to communicate with God you need to learn God’s language – because language is the means by which you get close to anyone. Perhaps the greatest lesson anyone in a relationship with another person can learn though, is that language is not just, and is far more than, words. When two become close and learn each others language, they recognise that even a look can communicate a lot. God invites His children to look to Him (Ps. 123:2) and as we do He will “counsel us with His eye” (Ps. 32:8). 

¶ I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with My eye upon you.
Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding,
which must be curbed with bit and bridle,
or it will not stay near you.
Psalm 32:8-9

 

EVERYONE HAS A WORDLESS LANGUAGE

Communication experts tell us that there are five levels of communication. Only three of the five levels are word-based and even though words are used in the other two, they are not based on these words. To understand these two particular levels of communication involves being able to read facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, and reactions. But it also involves being able hear and understand what is being communicated. From my experience this requires a minimum of 25 years to begin to be able to communicate at these two levels with one other person. It requires patience, trial and error, and a willingness to learn how to apologise. 

¶ Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
First Peter 3:7

 

THE GREATEST PROBLEM YOU’LL THINK YOU’LL EVER FACE IN LIFE

The most difficult challenge you’ll ever have to deal with throughout your life is others. They’ll make you angry, get you frustrated, and hurt you. At the root of these challenges will be miscommunication with others and communication breakdowns. Your ability to understand how language and communication really works could save you from much of this heartache. But the most unrealised — and by far the potentially greatest source of — heartache may eternally shock untold numbers of poor souls when they realise too late that they did not respond to God’s communications.     

 

THE SOLUTION TO OUR GREATEST COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN

Communication is not merely about the words we use. The language used in communication often takes the form of our actions, our choices, our attitude, and how we treat others. Our greatest communication breakdown is when we refuse to communicate with God and deliberately choose to distance ourselves from Him.

¶ Behold, the LORD’S hand is not shortened,
that it cannot save,
or His ear dull, that it cannot hear;
but your iniquities have made a separation
between you and your God,
and your sins have hidden His face from you
so that He does not hear.
Isaiah 59:1-2

If we pause and reflect on how God has reached out to us, we see that He has sent His Son into our world as a zygote who became a baby. This tells us that God was has taken every effort to us know that He is keen to connect with us with intimidating us. As we reflect on how the Christ-child grew up into manhood in a small village, we see that God was patient in how He communicated with us and not frustrated with us. As we consider how Jesus conducted Himself in defending the vulnerable, the poor, women and particularly widows, we see that God is deeply caring and compassionate toward us. And, especially if we listen to Jesus the Christ and what He taught about God and how to live for God, we will hear that God is kind, merciful, just, willing to save, and our Heavenly Father who offers to adopt us. 

You shall walk after the LORD your God and fear Him and keep His commandments and obey His voice, and you shall serve Him and hold fast to Him.
Deuteronomy 13:4

Perhaps the clearest thing we would hear from God by reflecting on Christ’s actions, choices, attitude, and how He treated others, is that God invites us to come to Him (Matt. 11:28) and accept His offer of forgiveness and reconciliation. All of our objections to accepting His invitation fade away as we come closer. All of our doubts vanish in the light of the truth that gets brighter as we continue toward Him. 

¶ “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”
Matthew 11:28-30 THE MESSAGE

Language is not merely about words. We’ve all heard the expression that a picture paints a thousand words — and while Dr. F.W. Boreham could tell you that a picture can inspire a thousands words, there is actually something uniquely precious about being able to precisely express yourself with just right words. This is why I think this saying needs revising because sometimes it takes ‘a thousand words to paint a [mental] picture’ and a thousand conversations to learn the language of your child or your spouse, and a good deal of time in God’s Word to become familiar with God’s language. If we can begin to learn each other’s language, we might find that each other’s communication picture becomes clearer and easier to see and in the process we may also find those conflicts we’ve become so used to aren’t as common as they once were.

Your pastor,

Andrew

Let me know what you think below in the comment section and feel free to share this someone who might benefit from this Pastor’s Desk.

YOU MIGHT DISAGREE

Preparing a couple for marriage is an exercise in continual surprises. One of the first surprises a couple experiences is: The 3 Reasons A Marriage Fails. Infidelity is not a surprising cause of marriage breakdown. The fact that finances are notone of the three most common reasons is surprising. And the fact that a lack of pre-marriage preparation is one of the top three causes is also surprising. But it’s the other cause of marriage failure that is not only surprising, it is full of surprises. 

“Do two walk together, unless they have agreed to meet?”
Amos 3:3

HOW A PERSON DISAGREES SAYS A LOT ABOUT THEM

The biggest challenge any couple (and any two people, for that matter) will have is how to communicate effectivelywith each other. While this often surprises a couple I prepare for marriage, it’s what they learn about disagreeing that surprises them even more! We live in a world often framed by shallow arguments. Here are some examples of shallow ‘arguments’ : 

• “Because I said so!“
• “I just reckon.“
• “I read it on the internet.”
• “I heard it on TV.“
• “Because such and such professor recently published it in a book.“
• “God told me.“
• “I believe it with all my heart.“

None of these ‘arguments’ are reasonable. Contrast these shallow ‘arguments’ (none of them are actually ‘arguments’ because they are only opinions or assertions) with what a strong argument should look like:

• “I know this is the case because I have seen it with my own eyes and here’s the photo I took of it.”
• “In Dr. Kenneth Gentry’s book, ‘Before Jerusalem Fell’ he has made the case that the Book of Revelation had to have been written before A.D. 70!“
• “Because in 2007, Geelong won the A.F.L. Premiership.“
• “You couldn’t have been working late, because I called into your work when you said you were there and it was closed and your car wasn’t in the carpark.” 

I hope you can see the difference between someone’s opinion and someone’s reasons from this brief comparison. But here’s where it gets surprising when it comes to communicating with someone effectively. Others opinions matter! The problem we have with having opinions though is that we can hold them despite some good reasons not to. An even greater problem is that when we meet someone who has an opinion which differs from ours, we tend to clash with them. It can be a very confronting thing when our opinions are challenged by someone who might have good reasons for believing we are wrong. This is when this kind of clash can result in tension and conflict. That why we can tell a lot about a person by how they disagree with someone.

Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.
Second Corinthians 13:11

WHAT WE LEARN ABOUT SOMEONE BY HOW THEY DISAGREE

When someone is confronted with another person who disagrees with their opinion, here’s how you can tell if their opinion is reasonable or not. 

• Do they have reasons for their opinion, or just a belief that they are right?
• Are they prepared to face challenges to their opinion, or do they refuse to discuss the matter?
• When challenged by someone with a different opinion to them, do they respond by attacking the person instead?

I say this to your shame. Can it be that there is no one among you wise enough to settle a dispute between the brothers,
First Corinthians 6:5

WHEN DISAGREEMENT IS WORTH MORE THAN GOLD

Perhaps the biggest surprise that a couple encounters when we discuss developing intimacy, is just how necessary disagreements are! Disagreements are most often seen as a sign that the relationship is in trouble, when in fact, it is a sure sign that the relationship is actually deeper, stronger, and closer. This is because these potential clashes often involve matters of the heart. And I say, ‘potential’ clashes because they needn’t be an occasion for a heated quarrel. What we discover in pre-marriage counselling is how to recognise these potential clashes as gold for their relationship. Rather than setting out to crush the other’s opinion, it is wiser to listen to it and to seek to understandthis person by discovering why they hold this opinion. In marriage preparation, this surprising discovery leads to a couple learning to: seek to understand before being understood. It is surprising to learn that when someone feels understood, even if the other person still disagrees with their opinion, they simultaneously feel closer to that person. This is why disagreement is gold for developing a more intimate relationship with someone. After seeking to understand someone with whom we might disagree, it then creates a more conducive environment for them to begin to understand our opinion. In a heated quarrel this kind of mutual understanding rarely takes place and the result is distance and animosity. This distance and animosity can be repaired with a genuine exchange of apologies, and new commitment to understand each others heart.

¶ But when Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. For before certain men came from James, he was eating with the Gentiles; but when they came he drew back and separated himself, fearing the circumcision party. And the rest of the Jews acted hypocritically along with him, so that even Barnabas was led astray by their hypocrisy. But when I saw that their conduct was not in step with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas before them all, “If you, though a Jew, live like a Gentile and not like a Jew, how can you force the Gentiles to live like Jews?”
Galatians 2:11-14

THREE WAYS TO DISAGREE, TWO ARE UNHELPFUL

I have briefly discussed one of the most helpful ways to disagrees with someone There are two others, which are far more popular. The first way is avoidance. Simply ignore the disagreement. For small issues, this is the most civilised way to disagree. The second is attack the other person. This generally happens when the attacker has a shallow or weak case to support their opinion. It’s also proven to be a most effective means for settling a disagreement – but it is wrong! It takes more effort for a parent to patiently explain to their disagreeable child why they need a regular and consistent early bed-time. It’s far easier just to use force. For those interested in twentieth century Spanish history, the example of General Franco is an abhorrent illustration of this. Taking the time to demonstrate your reasonableness, without resorting to threats of violence of intimidation, is hard work. It’s one of the reasons why I really appreciate what Samuel Green does in debating with Muslim leaders and scholars about why Islam is false and Christianity it true. Samuel does this without resorting to ridicule or threats of intimidation. 

As a church, if we are to grow, we will have disagreements along the way. It is my hope that we can learn to understand before being understood, and that we can also learn which disagreements are worth dialoguing about. 

Pastor Andrew