HOW TO GET ALONG WITH PEOPLE

 HOW TO GET ALONG WITH PEOPLE

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we just all along? Try as hard as we might though, and despite even highly trained and experienced foreign diplomats struggling to navigate international relations with other highly trained and experienced diplomats, is it any wonder that the average person finds getting along with people one of the greatest challenges they have to deal with? We now live in a world where highly-paid specialist mediators help people to sort out their disagreements, and some legal firms now specialise their businesses on the fact that people just can’t get along and need lawyers to help! If you’re thinking that this is a rather expensive way to do life, you’re right. So the following advice might well save you hundreds (and maybe even thousands) of dollars (you can thank me later).

“However, not to give offense to them, go to the sea and cast a hook and take the first fish that comes up, and when you open its mouth you will find a shekel. Take that and give it to them for me and for yourself.”
Matthew 17:27

There were times when Jesus expressed His disagreement with others, and other times when He chose not to.

When those collecting the Temple tax approached Peter and asked him whetherJesus would pay the two-drachma Temple Tax, Peter assured them that He would. Even before Peter had time to raise the matter with Jesus, Christ asked him whether kings tax their children or from others? (Matthew 17:25). Peter responded, “From others.” And since the Temple Tax was deigned to help with the upkeep of House of God, Christ’s Heavenly Father, Jesus said, “Then the sons are free” which was a way of saying that if anyone was exempt from paying the Temple tax, it was certainly the Christ. But Jesus gave this amazing insight are this declaration-

“However, not to give offence to them, go to the sea and cast a hook and take the first fish that comes up, and when you open its mouth you will find a shekel. Take that and give it to them for Me and for yourself.”
Matthew 17:27

WHAT WE LEARN FROM CHRIST ABOUT GETTING ALONG WITH OTHERS

1. DON’T POKE THE BEAR!

I find this both remarkable and tremendously insightful. It illustrates what I heard a visiting pastor say when I was a teenager sitting in church at Life Centre Geelong: You can be right and die, or die to your rights and live. This pastor wasn’t talking about human rights or particularly weighty matters. He was referring to most of the everyday squabbles that people find themselves arguing about with others. Jesus could have protested that He, above all people, should not be expected to pay the Temple Tax. But He didn’t. In fact, He stressed to Peter that He didn’t want to give offence to these Temple Tax collectors. Jesus was prepared to go toe-to-toe with Israel’s religious leaders over matters of eternal significance, but when it came to a relatively small Temple Tax, He simply paid it.

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Romans 12:18

2. DIFFERENCES DO NOT HAVE TO MEAN HATE

Jesus chose twelve eclectic (different from each other) men to be His disciples. Not only did each of these men have a difference of opinion with Jesus about what the Messiah was going to do, they each wildly disagreed with each other about how to respond to their Roman occupation (Matthew was a tax-collector and Simon was a Zealot, Mark 3:18). This highlights that differences don’t have to mean hostility. Over time, these 12 diverse men at least came to agree about the thing that mattered most: the divine identity of the Christ. This point of agreement was enough to enable these men to overlook their other differences.

¶ Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.
Second Corinthians 13:11

A healthy relationship will never be free from disagreement—in fact, learning how to disagree is one of the hallmark’s of a healthy relationship.

 

3. WHAT CAN BUG YOU, CAN BECOME A BUG ON YOUR ‘WINDSCREEN OF LIFE’

Jesus chose twelve eclectic (different from each other) men to be His disciples. Not only did each of these men have a difference of opinion with Jesus about what the Messiah was going to do, they each wildly disagreed with each other about how to respond to their Roman occupation (Matthew was a tax-collector and Simon was a Zealot, Mark 3:18). This highlights that differences don’t have to mean hostility. Over time, these 12 diverse men at least came to agree about the thing that mattered most: the divine identity of Jesus as the Christ. This point of agreement was enough to enable these men to overlook their other differences. But when we choose to focus on our lesser important points of disagreement it tends to cause us to see problems and disagreements everywhere! When someone is repeatedly getting annoyed with you about relatively minor things, its an indication that there is a “bug” on their “life-windscreen” through which they are now letting everything bug them. Sometimes you just have to ask, “What’s really going on? Is everything OK?” You might find that things are not going well at home/work/school. It might then help to ask, “Is there anything I can do to help?” Sometimes you might find that what originally looked like annoyance with you was actually frustration with someone else.

Good sense makes one slow to anger,/and it is his glory to overlook an offense.
Proverbs 19:11

4. EVERYONE HAS A STORY

We all do it. We pre-judge people. It’s not until we hear someone’s story and take the time to understand what makes them tick that we begin to see them for who they really are. If you really want to get along with someone, invite them to share their story with you. Jesus knew people’s stories. When He asked Simon the Pharisee whether he “saw this woman” who had just wept over Jesus feet with her tears and then dried them with her hair (Luk 7:44), the unspoken answer was “No”. But Jesus did. Jesus saw this woman. He knew her story. Understanding is one of the most attractive forces in the universe. We are all involuntarily drawn to those who understand us. If you want to get along with others, understand them. Jesus did. 

If you can implement these four relationship principles, you might find that you’ll be able to get along with more people and in the process save yourself a bucket load of money that would have otherwise been spent on lawyers or mediators.

Your pastor,

Andrew

YOU MIGHT DISAGREE

Preparing a couple for marriage is an exercise in continual surprises. One of the first surprises a couple experiences is: The 3 Reasons A Marriage Fails. Infidelity is not a surprising cause of marriage breakdown. The fact that finances are notone of the three most common reasons is surprising. And the fact that a lack of pre-marriage preparation is one of the top three causes is also surprising. But it’s the other cause of marriage failure that is not only surprising, it is full of surprises. 

“Do two walk together, unless they have agreed to meet?”
Amos 3:3

HOW A PERSON DISAGREES SAYS A LOT ABOUT THEM

The biggest challenge any couple (and any two people, for that matter) will have is how to communicate effectivelywith each other. While this often surprises a couple I prepare for marriage, it’s what they learn about disagreeing that surprises them even more! We live in a world often framed by shallow arguments. Here are some examples of shallow ‘arguments’ : 

• “Because I said so!“
• “I just reckon.“
• “I read it on the internet.”
• “I heard it on TV.“
• “Because such and such professor recently published it in a book.“
• “God told me.“
• “I believe it with all my heart.“

None of these ‘arguments’ are reasonable. Contrast these shallow ‘arguments’ (none of them are actually ‘arguments’ because they are only opinions or assertions) with what a strong argument should look like:

• “I know this is the case because I have seen it with my own eyes and here’s the photo I took of it.”
• “In Dr. Kenneth Gentry’s book, ‘Before Jerusalem Fell’ he has made the case that the Book of Revelation had to have been written before A.D. 70!“
• “Because in 2007, Geelong won the A.F.L. Premiership.“
• “You couldn’t have been working late, because I called into your work when you said you were there and it was closed and your car wasn’t in the carpark.” 

I hope you can see the difference between someone’s opinion and someone’s reasons from this brief comparison. But here’s where it gets surprising when it comes to communicating with someone effectively. Others opinions matter! The problem we have with having opinions though is that we can hold them despite some good reasons not to. An even greater problem is that when we meet someone who has an opinion which differs from ours, we tend to clash with them. It can be a very confronting thing when our opinions are challenged by someone who might have good reasons for believing we are wrong. This is when this kind of clash can result in tension and conflict. That why we can tell a lot about a person by how they disagree with someone.

Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.
Second Corinthians 13:11

WHAT WE LEARN ABOUT SOMEONE BY HOW THEY DISAGREE

When someone is confronted with another person who disagrees with their opinion, here’s how you can tell if their opinion is reasonable or not. 

• Do they have reasons for their opinion, or just a belief that they are right?
• Are they prepared to face challenges to their opinion, or do they refuse to discuss the matter?
• When challenged by someone with a different opinion to them, do they respond by attacking the person instead?

I say this to your shame. Can it be that there is no one among you wise enough to settle a dispute between the brothers,
First Corinthians 6:5

WHEN DISAGREEMENT IS WORTH MORE THAN GOLD

Perhaps the biggest surprise that a couple encounters when we discuss developing intimacy, is just how necessary disagreements are! Disagreements are most often seen as a sign that the relationship is in trouble, when in fact, it is a sure sign that the relationship is actually deeper, stronger, and closer. This is because these potential clashes often involve matters of the heart. And I say, ‘potential’ clashes because they needn’t be an occasion for a heated quarrel. What we discover in pre-marriage counselling is how to recognise these potential clashes as gold for their relationship. Rather than setting out to crush the other’s opinion, it is wiser to listen to it and to seek to understandthis person by discovering why they hold this opinion. In marriage preparation, this surprising discovery leads to a couple learning to: seek to understand before being understood. It is surprising to learn that when someone feels understood, even if the other person still disagrees with their opinion, they simultaneously feel closer to that person. This is why disagreement is gold for developing a more intimate relationship with someone. After seeking to understand someone with whom we might disagree, it then creates a more conducive environment for them to begin to understand our opinion. In a heated quarrel this kind of mutual understanding rarely takes place and the result is distance and animosity. This distance and animosity can be repaired with a genuine exchange of apologies, and new commitment to understand each others heart.

¶ But when Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. For before certain men came from James, he was eating with the Gentiles; but when they came he drew back and separated himself, fearing the circumcision party. And the rest of the Jews acted hypocritically along with him, so that even Barnabas was led astray by their hypocrisy. But when I saw that their conduct was not in step with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas before them all, “If you, though a Jew, live like a Gentile and not like a Jew, how can you force the Gentiles to live like Jews?”
Galatians 2:11-14

THREE WAYS TO DISAGREE, TWO ARE UNHELPFUL

I have briefly discussed one of the most helpful ways to disagrees with someone There are two others, which are far more popular. The first way is avoidance. Simply ignore the disagreement. For small issues, this is the most civilised way to disagree. The second is attack the other person. This generally happens when the attacker has a shallow or weak case to support their opinion. It’s also proven to be a most effective means for settling a disagreement – but it is wrong! It takes more effort for a parent to patiently explain to their disagreeable child why they need a regular and consistent early bed-time. It’s far easier just to use force. For those interested in twentieth century Spanish history, the example of General Franco is an abhorrent illustration of this. Taking the time to demonstrate your reasonableness, without resorting to threats of violence of intimidation, is hard work. It’s one of the reasons why I really appreciate what Samuel Green does in debating with Muslim leaders and scholars about why Islam is false and Christianity it true. Samuel does this without resorting to ridicule or threats of intimidation. 

As a church, if we are to grow, we will have disagreements along the way. It is my hope that we can learn to understand before being understood, and that we can also learn which disagreements are worth dialoguing about. 

Pastor Andrew

REPAIRING RELATIONSHIPS

"Woops! It broke. Never mind, I'll get another one." We live in a throw away society. Electronic stores often have "recycle bins" for cell-phones that just a few years ago cost a week's wages to buy and are now considered worthless. When I was growing up as a boy there were "Repair agents" who would fix broken appliances. Not today. We just throw them away and get another one. We are losing the art of repairing. I don't really care about dodgy toasters or kettles, but I do care about the things that are priceless which breakdown and are too easily thrown away. Some of you are in broken relationships and you need repairing.

A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city,
and quarreling is like the bars of a castle.
Proverbs 18:19

We maintain our gardens, our cars, our machinery, and even our health, but all too often neglect our relationships. The busyness of life, the demands of work, the responsibilities we carry, the financial pressures we face, all undermine our most important relationships unless we take counter-measures to maintain them. The word, repair comes from the Old French re-parare which meant to take back to readiness. In this sense, repairing is the initial stage of maintenance. But as many parents discover, getting back to a harmonious relationship with your child is not an easy matter if the brokenness has gone on urepaired for a while. Any husband can tell you that repairing a broken marriage can be more difficult than scaling to the pinnacle of a great mountain bare-foot. Repairing is a skill, an art, an often elusive hope.

And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the Repairer of The Breach,
the restorer of streets to dwell in.
Isaiah 58:12

Jesus knows a thing or two about brokenness and repairing. The Prophet Isaiah foretold of Him as 'The Repairer of The Breach' having just prophesied of Him in very rich symbolic language, 'a bruised reed He will not break' (Isa. 53). Who can not be moved deeply when reading of the Christ's final moments on the cross when He felt for the first and only time in all eternity a break in His fellowship with His Father. The immense pain of the breakage caused Him to cry out, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" And this highlights an oft misunderstood aspect of relationship breakdowns: it's rarely the relationship that breaks first - it's always the fellowship that is broken first. Your relationship with you parents, your children, your spouse, will always be - but when there is no investment of time together, talking, sharing, listening, caring, helping, your fellowship with the one you are related to will suffer. 

God has given us each the marvellous opportunity of both relating and fellowshiping with others. We are created to do so. Isolate a person from others and you injure their soul. God created each one of us for a primary relationship with Him from which we are designed to enjoy our most satisfying fellowship. From this centre, we are created to relate and fellowship with others to lessening degrees. The first relationship that the Creator ordained for mankind to enjoy beyond his relationship with God, was a relationship and fellowship with his spouse. "God brought the woman to the man." This first marriage was to be the model from which all subsequent marriages would follow. What God had been to Adam, Adam could now, to some extent, be to Eve. This marriage union was meant to show Adam and Eve the richness of the eternal relationship and fellowship that God Himself enjoyed as Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Our most significant relationships are meant to be our richest.

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 3:17-19

God is the ultimate relationship. His eternal fellowship has never been broken, except once. And the reason it was broken then is the same reason it continues to be broken for others today. Jesus experienced the forsaking of His Father while on the cross. (Forsaking involves ceasing to listen, refusal to answer, being absent.) The Father forsook His Son because Jesus became what the Father can not accommodate: sin (2Cor. 5:21). And neither can you and I. When someone sins against us they break their fellowship with us and damage our relationship with them. 

Consider the Trinity (the Ultimate Relationship). It is a relationship that is noted for two goals. Firstly, each member of the Trinity is committed to the glory God. Secondly, the way they glorify God is characterised by holiness. "Holiness" sounds like a boring religious word reserved for monk types. But in reality, holiness is the only means of our greatest delights and pleasure. We are created in the image of a holy God to be holy. And not until a married couple realise that God has gifted mankind with marriage for the same two goals- to glorify God, and to grow in holiness. 

But sin is the opposite of holiness. Sin robs a person of being able to give God glory. Sin prevents a person from reaching their potential because it denies a person the beauty and power of holiness. The holiest people are the happiest people. Similarly the unholiest people are the unhappiest people. God gifted marriage to mankind, not for our happiness (the fruit of holiness) but so that a person might more completely glorify God and attain holiness. Marriage as God intended is for your holiness not your happiness. Repairing a marriage means getting back to these two foundational goals. It's the same for repairing any relationship - i) commit your life to living for God's glory and ii) pursue holiness.

¶ Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord.
Hebrews 12:14

If you are married, these are the goals for your marriage (God's glory and your holiness). Your job is to help your spouse to give God the greatest glory and deepen their holiness. This is why us husbands should always take the lead in repairing our marriages. We repair intimacy with our wife when we give her attention, listen (actively, reactively and responsively) apologise for the disappointments we have caused, relearn what she wants from us, and take steps to meet her needs (even though they sound like "wants"). Marriages need constant repairing. But it's not just marriages that need repairing. Friendships, brothers, sisters, parents, children, all need repairing.

For any relationship to be repaired, sin must be dealt with. When someone has been sinned against, this sin must be atoned for. If you steal someone's TV, you can atone for it by either returning it or replacing it - and then apologising before asking for forgiveness. You may not have 'stolen' something from the one you're now estranged with, but the principle is still the same: i) You put it right, ii) You apologise (feel the pain you have caused and express regret for that injury), iii) Seek forgiveness. This requires an essential element in the repairing process that is extremely difficult: humility. Of course, each of us need our fellowship with God repaired. We may not have stolen God's TV, but each of us have violated our sacred mandate to bear His image when we lust, covet, hate, blaspheme, or make other things a higher priority than Him. But unlike a stolen TV we can't put these things right with God by returning them to Him. This is why our own efforts - even our own religious efforts - are utterly useless to repair our relationship with God. We need The Repairer of The Breach to take our sin, guilt and shame and bear our penalty. What love! What grace!

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride...
Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.
Isaac Watts, 'When I Survey', 1707

No matter how damaged your relationship is, it can be repaired. Jesus is still The Repairer of The Breach. Look to Him. See His humility in enduring the Cross. Notice His passion for the glory of God and holiness. This is why being in church for worship (giving God glory) and the instruction of the Word (our holiness) is indispensable for our fellowship with God. Like any of our relationships, it is from this basis that we draw the grace to repair all of our other relationships.

Ps. Andrew