HOW TO GET ALONG WITH PEOPLE

 HOW TO GET ALONG WITH PEOPLE

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we just all along? Try as hard as we might though, and despite even highly trained and experienced foreign diplomats struggling to navigate international relations with other highly trained and experienced diplomats, is it any wonder that the average person finds getting along with people one of the greatest challenges they have to deal with? We now live in a world where highly-paid specialist mediators help people to sort out their disagreements, and some legal firms now specialise their businesses on the fact that people just can’t get along and need lawyers to help! If you’re thinking that this is a rather expensive way to do life, you’re right. So the following advice might well save you hundreds (and maybe even thousands) of dollars (you can thank me later).

“However, not to give offense to them, go to the sea and cast a hook and take the first fish that comes up, and when you open its mouth you will find a shekel. Take that and give it to them for me and for yourself.”
Matthew 17:27

There were times when Jesus expressed His disagreement with others, and other times when He chose not to.

When those collecting the Temple tax approached Peter and asked him whetherJesus would pay the two-drachma Temple Tax, Peter assured them that He would. Even before Peter had time to raise the matter with Jesus, Christ asked him whether kings tax their children or from others? (Matthew 17:25). Peter responded, “From others.” And since the Temple Tax was deigned to help with the upkeep of House of God, Christ’s Heavenly Father, Jesus said, “Then the sons are free” which was a way of saying that if anyone was exempt from paying the Temple tax, it was certainly the Christ. But Jesus gave this amazing insight are this declaration-

“However, not to give offence to them, go to the sea and cast a hook and take the first fish that comes up, and when you open its mouth you will find a shekel. Take that and give it to them for Me and for yourself.”
Matthew 17:27

WHAT WE LEARN FROM CHRIST ABOUT GETTING ALONG WITH OTHERS

1. DON’T POKE THE BEAR!

I find this both remarkable and tremendously insightful. It illustrates what I heard a visiting pastor say when I was a teenager sitting in church at Life Centre Geelong: You can be right and die, or die to your rights and live. This pastor wasn’t talking about human rights or particularly weighty matters. He was referring to most of the everyday squabbles that people find themselves arguing about with others. Jesus could have protested that He, above all people, should not be expected to pay the Temple Tax. But He didn’t. In fact, He stressed to Peter that He didn’t want to give offence to these Temple Tax collectors. Jesus was prepared to go toe-to-toe with Israel’s religious leaders over matters of eternal significance, but when it came to a relatively small Temple Tax, He simply paid it.

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Romans 12:18

2. DIFFERENCES DO NOT HAVE TO MEAN HATE

Jesus chose twelve eclectic (different from each other) men to be His disciples. Not only did each of these men have a difference of opinion with Jesus about what the Messiah was going to do, they each wildly disagreed with each other about how to respond to their Roman occupation (Matthew was a tax-collector and Simon was a Zealot, Mark 3:18). This highlights that differences don’t have to mean hostility. Over time, these 12 diverse men at least came to agree about the thing that mattered most: the divine identity of the Christ. This point of agreement was enough to enable these men to overlook their other differences.

¶ Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.
Second Corinthians 13:11

A healthy relationship will never be free from disagreement—in fact, learning how to disagree is one of the hallmark’s of a healthy relationship.

 

3. WHAT CAN BUG YOU, CAN BECOME A BUG ON YOUR ‘WINDSCREEN OF LIFE’

Jesus chose twelve eclectic (different from each other) men to be His disciples. Not only did each of these men have a difference of opinion with Jesus about what the Messiah was going to do, they each wildly disagreed with each other about how to respond to their Roman occupation (Matthew was a tax-collector and Simon was a Zealot, Mark 3:18). This highlights that differences don’t have to mean hostility. Over time, these 12 diverse men at least came to agree about the thing that mattered most: the divine identity of Jesus as the Christ. This point of agreement was enough to enable these men to overlook their other differences. But when we choose to focus on our lesser important points of disagreement it tends to cause us to see problems and disagreements everywhere! When someone is repeatedly getting annoyed with you about relatively minor things, its an indication that there is a “bug” on their “life-windscreen” through which they are now letting everything bug them. Sometimes you just have to ask, “What’s really going on? Is everything OK?” You might find that things are not going well at home/work/school. It might then help to ask, “Is there anything I can do to help?” Sometimes you might find that what originally looked like annoyance with you was actually frustration with someone else.

Good sense makes one slow to anger,/and it is his glory to overlook an offense.
Proverbs 19:11

4. EVERYONE HAS A STORY

We all do it. We pre-judge people. It’s not until we hear someone’s story and take the time to understand what makes them tick that we begin to see them for who they really are. If you really want to get along with someone, invite them to share their story with you. Jesus knew people’s stories. When He asked Simon the Pharisee whether he “saw this woman” who had just wept over Jesus feet with her tears and then dried them with her hair (Luk 7:44), the unspoken answer was “No”. But Jesus did. Jesus saw this woman. He knew her story. Understanding is one of the most attractive forces in the universe. We are all involuntarily drawn to those who understand us. If you want to get along with others, understand them. Jesus did. 

If you can implement these four relationship principles, you might find that you’ll be able to get along with more people and in the process save yourself a bucket load of money that would have otherwise been spent on lawyers or mediators.

Your pastor,

Andrew

YOU MIGHT DISAGREE

Preparing a couple for marriage is an exercise in continual surprises. One of the first surprises a couple experiences is: The 3 Reasons A Marriage Fails. Infidelity is not a surprising cause of marriage breakdown. The fact that finances are notone of the three most common reasons is surprising. And the fact that a lack of pre-marriage preparation is one of the top three causes is also surprising. But it’s the other cause of marriage failure that is not only surprising, it is full of surprises. 

“Do two walk together, unless they have agreed to meet?”
Amos 3:3

HOW A PERSON DISAGREES SAYS A LOT ABOUT THEM

The biggest challenge any couple (and any two people, for that matter) will have is how to communicate effectivelywith each other. While this often surprises a couple I prepare for marriage, it’s what they learn about disagreeing that surprises them even more! We live in a world often framed by shallow arguments. Here are some examples of shallow ‘arguments’ : 

• “Because I said so!“
• “I just reckon.“
• “I read it on the internet.”
• “I heard it on TV.“
• “Because such and such professor recently published it in a book.“
• “God told me.“
• “I believe it with all my heart.“

None of these ‘arguments’ are reasonable. Contrast these shallow ‘arguments’ (none of them are actually ‘arguments’ because they are only opinions or assertions) with what a strong argument should look like:

• “I know this is the case because I have seen it with my own eyes and here’s the photo I took of it.”
• “In Dr. Kenneth Gentry’s book, ‘Before Jerusalem Fell’ he has made the case that the Book of Revelation had to have been written before A.D. 70!“
• “Because in 2007, Geelong won the A.F.L. Premiership.“
• “You couldn’t have been working late, because I called into your work when you said you were there and it was closed and your car wasn’t in the carpark.” 

I hope you can see the difference between someone’s opinion and someone’s reasons from this brief comparison. But here’s where it gets surprising when it comes to communicating with someone effectively. Others opinions matter! The problem we have with having opinions though is that we can hold them despite some good reasons not to. An even greater problem is that when we meet someone who has an opinion which differs from ours, we tend to clash with them. It can be a very confronting thing when our opinions are challenged by someone who might have good reasons for believing we are wrong. This is when this kind of clash can result in tension and conflict. That why we can tell a lot about a person by how they disagree with someone.

Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.
Second Corinthians 13:11

WHAT WE LEARN ABOUT SOMEONE BY HOW THEY DISAGREE

When someone is confronted with another person who disagrees with their opinion, here’s how you can tell if their opinion is reasonable or not. 

• Do they have reasons for their opinion, or just a belief that they are right?
• Are they prepared to face challenges to their opinion, or do they refuse to discuss the matter?
• When challenged by someone with a different opinion to them, do they respond by attacking the person instead?

I say this to your shame. Can it be that there is no one among you wise enough to settle a dispute between the brothers,
First Corinthians 6:5

WHEN DISAGREEMENT IS WORTH MORE THAN GOLD

Perhaps the biggest surprise that a couple encounters when we discuss developing intimacy, is just how necessary disagreements are! Disagreements are most often seen as a sign that the relationship is in trouble, when in fact, it is a sure sign that the relationship is actually deeper, stronger, and closer. This is because these potential clashes often involve matters of the heart. And I say, ‘potential’ clashes because they needn’t be an occasion for a heated quarrel. What we discover in pre-marriage counselling is how to recognise these potential clashes as gold for their relationship. Rather than setting out to crush the other’s opinion, it is wiser to listen to it and to seek to understandthis person by discovering why they hold this opinion. In marriage preparation, this surprising discovery leads to a couple learning to: seek to understand before being understood. It is surprising to learn that when someone feels understood, even if the other person still disagrees with their opinion, they simultaneously feel closer to that person. This is why disagreement is gold for developing a more intimate relationship with someone. After seeking to understand someone with whom we might disagree, it then creates a more conducive environment for them to begin to understand our opinion. In a heated quarrel this kind of mutual understanding rarely takes place and the result is distance and animosity. This distance and animosity can be repaired with a genuine exchange of apologies, and new commitment to understand each others heart.

¶ But when Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. For before certain men came from James, he was eating with the Gentiles; but when they came he drew back and separated himself, fearing the circumcision party. And the rest of the Jews acted hypocritically along with him, so that even Barnabas was led astray by their hypocrisy. But when I saw that their conduct was not in step with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas before them all, “If you, though a Jew, live like a Gentile and not like a Jew, how can you force the Gentiles to live like Jews?”
Galatians 2:11-14

THREE WAYS TO DISAGREE, TWO ARE UNHELPFUL

I have briefly discussed one of the most helpful ways to disagrees with someone There are two others, which are far more popular. The first way is avoidance. Simply ignore the disagreement. For small issues, this is the most civilised way to disagree. The second is attack the other person. This generally happens when the attacker has a shallow or weak case to support their opinion. It’s also proven to be a most effective means for settling a disagreement – but it is wrong! It takes more effort for a parent to patiently explain to their disagreeable child why they need a regular and consistent early bed-time. It’s far easier just to use force. For those interested in twentieth century Spanish history, the example of General Franco is an abhorrent illustration of this. Taking the time to demonstrate your reasonableness, without resorting to threats of violence of intimidation, is hard work. It’s one of the reasons why I really appreciate what Samuel Green does in debating with Muslim leaders and scholars about why Islam is false and Christianity it true. Samuel does this without resorting to ridicule or threats of intimidation. 

As a church, if we are to grow, we will have disagreements along the way. It is my hope that we can learn to understand before being understood, and that we can also learn which disagreements are worth dialoguing about. 

Pastor Andrew