I have long said that the least pastored person in any church is the Pastor’s wife. I suspect this may still be true but I cannot offer any supporting data for this hunch. However, what empirical data I can offer is fairly easy to confirm is that the people who are the least pastored and most neglected in any church are its singles. These maybe: (i) young adults who have left their parental home, (ii) a divorcee, (iii) a widow or widower, or (iv) an unmarried adult. Often times singles are made to feel like they are abnormal and that being married (or at least ‘paired’) is the norm they should be striving for. Most churches do not have a very good theology of singleness - but they should, because chances are they have all four categories of singles already represented in their church. What I hope to do is not merely rehash the problem, but offer some practical measures for addressing.
A BIBLICAL APPROACH TO SINGLENESS
Biblically, the goal of being a single is not to be married. Every faithful follower of Christ should not make marriage their idol. If you are single Christian and you think that your life is less than it should be because you are not married, you should repent. The biblical goal of singleness is actually the biblical goal for each person: be holy. This involves living your life to please and glorify God (Eph. 5:10; 1Pet. 1:15). It is not mean shaving your head, joining a convent, and living on a mountain-top isolated from the world (it might though if that’s what God calls you to do!). Being holy involves living as a whole person. Wholeness is literally the idea behind the word - integrity. This means living as one person no matter what or who your audience is. Do not think that being married will necessarily help you in striving towards this goal (you can verify this by asking someone who is married, “Since being married, do you sin less than you did before you were married?”).
SINGLENESS AS A NORMAL WAY TO LIVE
Biblically, many of the finest examples of godly living were single. I think of Jeremiah, Daniel, Deborah, Anna, Paul, and of course - Jesus. Each of these people were celibate, content, and profoundly fulfilled. Some, like the apostle Paul, actually saw being single as an advantage to fulfilling what God had called him to do. But he also said that his singleness was a gift from God (1Cor. 7:7) - a gift that not everyone has received.
LONELINESS
Isa. 53:2 For He grew up before Him like a young plant,
and like a root out of dry ground;
He had no form or majesty that we should look at Him,
and no beauty that we should desire Him.
Isa. 53:3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
He was despised, and we esteemed Him not.
Luke alone is with me. Get Mark and bring him with you, for he is very useful to me for ministry.
Second Timothy 4:11
In Frederic W. H. Myers’ 1863 poem, Saint Paul, he captures how the imprisoned apostle faced his solitude and potential loneliness with worship of the Christ-God who was with always with him:
CHRIST! I am Christ’s! and let the name suffice for you,
Ay, for me too He greatly hath sufficed;
Lo with no winning words I would entice you,
Paul has no honour and no friend but Christ.
Yes, without cheer of sister or of daughter,
Yes, without stay of father or of son,
Lone on the land and homeless on the water
Pass I in patience till the work be done
Yet not in solitude if Christ anear me
Walketh Him workers for the great employ,
Oh not in solitude, if souls that hear me
Catch from my joyance the surprise of joy.
Hearts I have won of sister or of brother
Quick on the earth or hidden in the sod,
Lo every heart awaiteth me, another
Friend in the blameless family of God.
SUGGESTIONS FOR CHURCH TO MINISTER TO SINGLES
1. Pastors and elders - be sensitive to singles and do not ignore them. Counter the trend within most churches where singles are the least pastored segment within any church.
2. Take a biblical approach of ministering to singles by discipling them to be holy by giving them a pathway to Christoformity. Help them understand that their primary life-goal is not to be married, but to know, love, serve, and intimately follow Christ (holiness).
3. Do not treat singles as deficient people who need to married to be ‘fixed’. The challenges of singleness, such as loneliness, can be responded to in a healthy way by a caring church community which can provide friendship and authentic fellowship for singles.
4. Recognise that some singles are hopeful of finding a soul-mate. Therefore, do not take a “one size fits all” approach to pastoring the singles in your church (remember that there are four categories of singles who do not all want the same thing). This may mean that programs, events, groups, are facilitated by a church whereby singles who are open to courtship can socialise together to improve their chances of this happening.
Let me know what you think about this in the comments below.