LEARNING TO HEAL

LEARNING TO HEAL

If it’s possible to have a favourite chapter of the Bible then Romans chapter 8 is mine. I often think of it as the ‘Treasure Chest’ of Scripture because it is almost of the culmination of God’s revelation of redemption. But it is also confronts the believer with the reality of living in a world where God at times seems distant and life seems unfair. While Romans 8:28, which is perhaps (if I’m allowed to have one) my favourite Bible verse, sounds inspirational, in the context of Romans 8 it is meant as a consolation (or comfort) for the suffering and confused believer who is dealing with disappointment, pain, hurt, mistreatment, and loneliness. If we learn anything at all from Romans 8:20, it is that we live in a world where people hurt, and long for healing. And if we look a little closer at Romans 8 we can see that there is a type of healing that requires learning.

For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope
Romans 8:20

FUTILITY

All creation is subject to futility. ‘Futility’ is anything which seems “useless or pointless”. This would include: pain, disease, breakage, loss, decay, injury, malpractice, and the effects of failure (of either procedures or equipment). Futility can result from inclement weather, natural disasters, or inherited genetics. But the worst kind of futility is the kind that is completely avoidable and utterly unnecessary and which is caused by a person needlessly hurting or harming another person. While this kind of hurt may result in physical pain, it nearly always results in an invisible pain called trauma. Trauma causes someone to continually live in the moment of their emotional/soul pain. Pastor Andrew Brunson knows what trauma feels like. He was a missionary in Turkey, one of the world’s least evangelised countries, and had been serving there for over 20 years. Then the Turkish government arrested him on charges of espionage and imprisoned for two years but not before the threat of being imprisoned for life. He suffered greatly during his time in a crowded prison cell which he shared with over 20 ISIS members being held on terrorism charges. One year after his release, he still has trouble eating and sleeping. He was tested for Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder after struggling for months after his release, but was eventually diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress instead. 

Even in laughter the heart may ache,
and the end of joy may be grief.
Proverbs 14:13

Pastor Andrew Brunson (centre of the picture), missionary to Turkey, was imprisoned by the Turkish government for 2 years and released October 2018

This invisible pain impacts how a person thinks and ends up distorting their soul – which cripples them emotionally. Someone with a distorted soul can look ‘happy’ on the outside but be aching on the inside. Because of the trauma they are suffering, their soul may have become distorted with misplaced guilt — where, despite being the victim, they are made to guilty for the abuse they have suffered by their abuser(!); or, unreasonable regret cripples them psychologically (“If only I’d…”) – which causes them to live disconnected from others and often leads them to always be disappointed in people generally. Such hurting people often become depressed and bitter and engage in unreasonable blame-shifting. These unchecked symptoms of trauma then become a downward spiral.

Pastor Rick and Kay Warren

A glad heart makes a cheerful face,
but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.
Proverbs 15:13

The good news for anyone suffering from the pain of trauma is that there is a road to recovery and that many of the road markers toward their healing are to be found in Romans 8. Just ask Kay Warren, the wife of mega-church pastor, Rick Warren. Thirty-four years after her sexual abuse as a 6-year old girl, the effects of the trauma she had suffered for so long could no longer be denied or ignored. It crippled her and nearly ruined her marriage to Rick. She, and Rick, underwent three double therapist sessions per week for a number of years before her healing began. It was then that the statement, “It’s not your fault!” finally sunk in. It was then that the Scriptures in Romans 8 describing Christ bearing our guilt and shame finally sunk in.

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the One who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.
Romans 8:32, 34

HOW JESUS HEALED

It seems that most of the people Jesus healed were miraculously healed (that is, it could not have happened naturally) and that their healing was also instantaneous.

how God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and with power. He went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed by the devil, for God was with Him.
Acts 10:38

Sometimes Jesus would heal people by touching them.

Then Jesus laid his hands on His eyes again; and He opened his eyes, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly.
Mark 8:25

Sometimes Jesus would heal people by speaking to them.

Then He said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” And the man stretched it out, and it was restored, healthy like the other.
Matthew 12:13

Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked. ¶ Now that day was the Sabbath.
John 5:8-9

Sometimes Jesus would heal people by looking at them as they looked at Him.

When Jesus saw her, He called her over and said to her, “Woman, you are freed from your disability.”
Luke 13:12

But not all of Christ’s miracles of healing were instantaneous. In the odd account of one blind man, Jesus progressively healed this man from his blindness (Mark 8:22-25). There are several possible things we learn from this account which at least includes the possibility that God sometimes deems it necessary not to heal instantaneously, but to outwork His healing grace over time. 

HEALING OF A WOUNDED SOUL SOMETIMES TAKES TIME

Kay Warren describes the wound she experienced as a 6-year old being sexually molested as always being there. This is one of the traits of trauma. Unlike breaking an arm or leg, she said, where the cast comes off and the bone has been reset and healed, the wounds that inflict a person’s soul, such as the abuse she suffered, do not have a ‘cast’ that can come off to mark the time of its healing. This is a common and frustrating experience for those whose souls have been wounded. Just when they think they have “moved on”, something triggers the trauma and they spiral down again. For Kay Warren, this was very confusing and after Christian counselling and therapy she now describes her ‘healing’ as incomplete until the Resurrection. Some wounds leave painful scars. 

An understanding of the insights gained from Romans 8 about the kind of pain people suffer over a lifetime reveals several important truths that can help anyone who would welcome even the kind of ‘partial’ healing that Kay Warren has now experienced.

HEALING FROM LEARNING

Misplaced and unrealistic expectations about healing can actually add to a sufferer’s pain. But from Romans 8 we can see that by learning its truths we can learn to be ‘healed’:

1.  This world itself is wounded by sin and those afflicted by the hurt of sin will perpetuate this hurt in others (Rom. 8:20).
2.  Christ by the Holy Spirit empathises and intercedes for those who hurt (Rom. 8:26-27).
3.  God is able to redeem pain, hurt, and injury (Rom. 8:28).
4.  In this life we can only ever experience partial and temporal healing—or ultimate healing will come in the Resurrection (Rom. 8:23).
5.  We worship, serve, follow and emulate a Saviour who suffered (Rom. 8:29).
6.  God’s love is outpoured on us even when we don’t receive the healing we long for in this life (Rom. 8:35-39).

As we continue to reach out to those in our world, we will increasingly be ministering to hurting, lost, lonely, wounded people. May God grant us the grace to minister His healing love to them.

-Pastor Andrew

A BROADER, FURTHER, BRIGHTER, HIGHER VISION FOR A MATURE CHURCH AND MINISTRY

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Legana Christian Church, 2018, November 23rd Pastor’s Desk Article -  0:01:04 / 0:14:36

So David set out, and the six hundred men who were with him, and they came to the brook Besor, where those who were left behind stayed. But David pursued, he and four hundred men. Two hundred stayed behind, who were too exhausted to cross the brook Besor.
First Samuel 30:9-10

How do you see the role of our church? For many, church is a place where worship, reflection, teaching, and prayers happen each Sunday morning. For some, church is a community of people who share common beliefs and values. For others, church is a mission from which resources are collected and stewarded to evangelise. Sadly, for a great many people, church is seen as an outdated irrelevant institution made up largely of elderly people who have not been scientifically enlightened – or worse still – an institution of hypocrites who abuse their positions to hurt others. Whatever your view of the role of our church, I want to present to you a compelling vision of a church that is broader, further, brighter, and higher.

A YOUTHFUL VISION OF A CHURCH

I was in my early teens when I sensed a call to be a preacher. I was 18, in my final year of High School, when I approached my pastor, Joe Bowes, and shared with him that I sensed the call to full-time ministry. His sage advice to me was to get a job, experience what working with others was like, and begin studying for ministry at the same time. This I did. After Kim and I were married, I was credentialed by the Assemblies of God as a Youth Pastor while continuing to work a day job. I was then appointed as an assistant pastor. I then had the opportunity to go and pioneer a church not far from the CBD of Melbourne.

At the time, I was one of hundreds of church planters within the Assemblies of God. Our mission was relatively simple. Gather a community of disciples who could make disciples largely by conducting Sunday meetings which would be attractive. In this context, ministry and serving was what happened on a Sunday in the church meeting. It any pioneer pastor’s hope that as many of their fledgling congregation as possible will get involved in helping make the Sunday services work. If you ever ask a pioneer pastor what their ‘vision’ is, they will tell you (and I should know) it is about what their church will do and become. This is what I consider to be a youthful vision for a church. It’s youthful because it reflects the focus and enthusiasm of the pastor, and ‘youthful’ is a good description of a fledgling church.

HOW DOES A CHURCH GROW UP?

Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.
Ephesians 4:15-16

It is every parent’s hope that their children will not just age, but grow up. Often it’s the very thing needed for this to happen that many parents today want to prevent their children from experiencing. I’d heard of ‘helicopter parenting’ where a parent will ‘hover’ close by their children to rescue them from any trouble or problems they might encounter, but I hadn’t until recently heard of ‘lawnmower parenting’ where the parent tries to remove any trouble or problem from their child’s life before they encounter it. But guess what helps a child to grow up? It’s the same thing that helped you to grow up. Yes, that’s right. It’s having to deal with troubles and problems!

Last Sunday night during our testimonies time, Ross shared about a season of pain that he and his wife had experienced. If I could paraphrase what he said as I heard him testify that this pain deepened their relationship and obviously gave them great empathy for others, I might put it this way- Pain can be a gift from God. 

Over the years I’ve been surprised by who has also said something similar. I’ve heard it from people who have experienced loss, cancer, betrayal, divorce, and trauma. Each of these people have experienced something redemptive (“God brings good out of something bad”) from their pain.

“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
C.S. Lewis

As a child learns that pain is an inevitable part of life, and they learn to deal with it – and even eventually see it as a gift from God, they grow and mature. I suspect that it is much the same for a church to grow and mature. It too has to experience pain. It too has to learn how to deal with pain. Only then can a church truly have the kind of compassion for those who are hurting and are in pain. Or, to put it the way the Apostle Paul put it, if we want to comfort the hurting we must have experienced God’s comfort in the midst of our affliction.

¶ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer.
Second Corinthians 1:3-6

The church that goes into denial about its pain, loss, betrayal, will be hard pressed to comfort the hurting, help the distressed, heal the broken or save the lost. The church that avoids the pain of conflict and necessary confrontation is the church that will be hard pressed to help those it is ministering to whose relationships have broken down.

There’s something else that every parent also wants for their children so that they can grow up. When children are little, they need discipline from their parents. This discipline forms within them their guiding principles for how they treat others, how they carry responsibility, and how life’s choices have consequences. As the child accepts this discipline as good and right they begin to adopt it as part of their self-discipline. This means that even when no-one is telling them to bear their responsibilities, they tell themselves! It also means that when given the choice to do wrong, they tell themselves to avoid the wrong and do the right thing – even when no-one is watching.

Similarly, the church that seeks to grow up is going to be the church that is disciplined and self-disciplined.

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A BROADER, FURTHER, BRIGHTER, HIGHER VISION

My opening text of Scripture beautifully illustrates the difference between childish and mature. David, a young man in his twenties, has just returned from an arduous battle to find that the Amalekites have kidnapped the women and children of his men who have just fought along side him. They are already exhausted. Some of these warriors are so exhausted they cannot ride into the night to fight another battle – even to rescue their own wives and children. The men are tired and now vying for David’s head because they hold him responsible! 

In an episode that could have gone horribly wrong, David shows great maturity and exhibits the very traits that we have just been discussing that transition a child into an adult. David appeals to his men to come with him into the night on this rescue mission to get their wives and children (and bounty) returned. Some of his warriors ride on with him. Some stay with the baggage they leave behind. David’s mission was eventually successful. But some of the men who returned with him scorned the men who stayed behind with the baggage.

David recovered all that the Amalekites had taken, and David rescued his two wives. Nothing was missing, whether small or great, sons or daughters, spoil or anything that had been taken. David brought back all. David also captured all the flocks and herds, and the people drove the livestock before him, and said, “This is David’s spoil.”

¶ Then David came to the two hundred men who had been too exhausted to follow David, and who had been left at the brook Besor. And they went out to meet David and to meet the people who were with him. And when David came near to the people he greeted them. Then all the wicked and worthless fellows among the men who had gone with David said, “Because they did not go with us, we will not give them any of the spoil that we have recovered, except that each man may lead away his wife and children, and depart.” But David said, “You shall not do so, my brothers, with what the LORD has given us. He has preserved us and given into our hand the band that came against us. Who would listen to you in this matter? For as his share is who goes down into the battle, so shall his share be who stays by the baggage. They shall share alike.” And he made it a statute and a rule for Israel from that day forward to this day.
First Samuel 30:18-25

What the men who returned from rescuing their families may not have appreciated is that these two hundred men who remained behind with their baggage were the very men who had fought alongside them in their last battle – and quite possibly helped to preserve their lives. Secondly, by leaving their additional baggage behind to go off after the Amalekites their lighter load meant they were quicker and more agile – which would have contributed to their decisive victory.

There is a principle here for a mature church. God calls some people into the front-lines where the battle is fiercest, and some He calls to ‘mind their baggage’. 

WHAT CAN HAPPEN WHEN A CHURCH BEHAVES LIKE A GROWN UP

A grown-up church has a broader, bigger, brighter, further, higher vision of life and ministry. In this kind of church there will be those whose ministry has demanded that they ‘battle’ from Monday to Friday. They come into church on Sunday battle-weary. They are tired. Their responsibilities through the week are a heavy burden. Their self-disciplines require of them great concentration. The kinds of challenges they face are challenges that very few share. They are leaders of industry, commerce, education, media, justice, government, the arts, and health-care. They come to a grown-up church not to be a ‘pew-warmer’ but to be refreshed, renewed, revitalised for the continuing of the battle Monday morning. For these ministers (and this is how a grown-up church views them) this is their time and space to be restored.

¶ The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness or his name’s sake.
¶ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
¶ You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.
Psalm 23:1-6

A grown-up church is better equipped to minister to the hurting, lost, lonely, confused, and broken. It does this each Sunday directly by ministering to such people – but it also does it indirectly by ministering strength, inspiration, encouragement, is far wider than ours on a Sunday. Therefore, each Sunday we want to welcome the hurting, lost, lonely, confused, ill, and broken into our church family – but we also want to make welcome the healers, the leaders, the employers, the entrepreneurs, the innovators, the teachers, the mothers and the fathers – whom Christ has called to minister – who are each a part of the solution our city desperately needs!

Pastor Andrew Corbett

REPEATING PATTERNS AND BREAKING CHAINS

REPEATING PATTERNS

 Who do we blame? You might think that the opening sentences of this brief article are missing. After all, what’s gone wrong? What’s happened? Who’s involved? But those details are less important. First, we need someone to blame.

 Somehow, we have, as a society, confused blame with solution. Some politicians blame and win electors’ votes. Some media commentators blame and increase their ratings/subscriptions/followers. Some sports coaches blame and get their contracts renewed. It seems we blame because it works – if by works we mean that we don’t have to accept any blame. 

 The blaming lifestyle is relatively easy to detect. It always has a pattern. That pattern looks something like this:

Person A enters into Context A and a Type 1 Problem results.

Person A enters into Context B and a Type 1 Problem results.

Person A enters into Context C and a Type 1 Problem results.

Person A enters into Context D and a Type 1 Problem results.

  What reason does Person A think caused a problem in each of the different Contexts? Before I point out the cause of the problem resulting in each scenario, there is only one thing that is consistent in each of these scenarios – and it’s not the different Contexts!

 It can be an almost impossible task for a blamer to recognise such obvious patterns. This task becomes even more complicated when the various Contexts actually do share some small measure of blame for the recurring problem. But until a blamer recognises the repeating patterns in their life – and does the one thing that can break this cycle – they will, like Sisyphus, be doomed to repeat the very thing which causes their pain and frustration.

 What is this one thing that can break this cycle of pain and frustration? When our parental forebears, Eve and Adam, rebelled, God’s presence somehow exposed them as blamers. Adam now blamed Eve. Eve blamed the serpent. And the serpent didn’t have a leg to stand on. God ignored this blaming and took the responsibility for solving this catastrophe. Responsibility breaks the cycle of blaming which leads to pain and frustration.

 The most catastrophic problem we each face is the eternal guilt and shame resulting from our sinfulness and sin. A solution has been made available by Christ, The Burden-Bearer and Great Solution-Provider. The solution is offered freely to all but requires some responsibility from us: acknowledgment of our guilt, confession of our sin, an appeal to the Saviour. Our propensity to blame is so rooted in our natures’ that it takes initiating-responsibility from the Holy Spirit for its bondage to be broken so that we can exercise our responsibility to take this responsibility of being honest to God in order to receive His forgiveness and grace. This is not just a matter of our conversion event either. It is the ongoing means for us to be transformed from a hurt, pained, frustrated, blamer – into a healed, whole, fulfilled responsible spiritual adult.

CHRIST, THE CHAIN-BREAKER

 Some blamers go from church to church to church always being ‘hurt’. I hope that hundreds of these hurting and frustrated people will be drawn to our church and the pattern of their church experience will be broken as the Holy Spirit brings them to healing wholeness and fulfilment as they discover different strategies for dealing with difficult people and circumstances. Like any family, we will have times of disagreement and sharp reminders of our fallen-yet-redeemed human natures. But like any family which becomes stronger and closer by resolving such disagreements, we too can grow closer and stronger as we learn what the Gospel means when it commands God’s people to patiently bear with one another. This involves breaking those cyclic chains that come from blaming which causes us to run and once again repeat the very patterns which have led us to be hurt, pained, and frustrated.

Brothers, do not be children in your thinking. Be infants in evil, but in your thinking be mature.
First Corinthians 14:20

 Hurt, pain, and frustration can become a very comfortable set of clothes. It has many benefits after all (sympathy, attention, support, and so on) but it has one glaring disadvantage: it keeps us in bondage and denies us the blessing of becoming mature. I hope that our church becomes a place where the chains of blame are broken from off the lives of those seemingly forever wandering like immature Israel in the wilderness and that these formerly hurting broken lost and lonely souls can find their way across the Jordan and enter into the Promised Land of God’s blessing (a Land of giants, battles, toil, and hard-work – by the way). I pray that those who have only ever known the milk of God’s Word will begin to enjoy its milk and honey and meat.

For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God. You need milk, not solid food, for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.
Hebrews 5:12-14

 Blame alone cannot provide solutions. It is my hope that we as a church will an agent of God’s solutions to people. By so doing we will fulfil our motto of helping to make life better.

Pastor Andrew

deFining iDentity

Things happen in life which help refine us into fine people again – refining. After all, we each need refining from time to time. Our bad attitudes such as bitterness, ungratefulness, unforgiveness, and slothfulness all becomes dross which cloud our lives and makes us less able to reflect God’s glory. The refining of metals in a furnace, especially silver and gold, helps to remove their impurities. The more silver is refined, for example, the more it becomes reflective. This is the picture that Malachi paints in Malachi 3:3 where God is the Refiner and His people are the silver.

He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver, and He will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver, and they will bring offerings in righteousness to the LORD.
Malachi 3:3

 These refining moments – where the Refiner uses tragedy, success, and criticism (among other things) to refine His children, help to form our identity. Our identity hosts our character which is who we really are, especially under pressure. When our Father’s refining runs its course, it makes us finer. The dictionary defines ‘fine’ as-

fine, adj.  of very high quality; very good of its kind : this was a fine piece of film-making | fine wines • worthy of or eliciting admiration :  a fine musician •  good; satisfactory :  relations in the group were fine.

When we are finer we are less angry, more patient, more caring, more resilient, more focussed and more diligent in our responsibilities towards others. Each of these things could be identified as one of the fruit of the Spirit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23

Our identity is “who we are”. For the believer who is being refined by the Father, their identity increasingly becomes: a child of God, a joint heir with Christ, an adopted son or daughter of the Father, an ambassador of Christ, a new creation. Life’s refining moments shape us for the better. But sadly, sometimes a child of God does not recognise this. Rather than the Father’s refining leading them to behold Christ in worship in the midst of their refining (2Cor. 3:18), they look somewhere else.

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
Second Corinthians 3:18

I have met people who are not who they should be. They have been hurt. Some have been unjustly hurt – severely. This is sad. But it’s even sadder when it’s a believer who chooses to identify more with their hurt than the effect of beholding the glory of the Lord in Christ (2Cor. 3:18). I have also met people who have been horribly abused who have been refined into beautifully Christ-like believers. This kind of hurt takes years to refine from their identity. Initially, it dominated their lives and became their identity. They withdrew. They grieved. They hid. They even tried to ignore it. They took measures to protect themselves with excess food or pills or alcohol. When people asked how they were they would say little or say everything. But then they felt the Spirit’s gentle wooing.

¶ Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
First Peter 5:6-7

In response to the Spirit’s invitation to hand over their hurt and pain (1Peter 5:6-7) they cry out to God in prayer, “Father, please heal my heart!” The Father answers their prayer by summoning them into His presence. They respond how any believer who comes into the presence of God does: they worship. And thus their identity (who they really are) is redefined to that of a worshiper. It is only when a hurt believer redefines their identity as a worshiper that they can begin to be healed. It is only from the posture of worship (surrender to God) that a believer can be truly refined. 

No matter what’ve been through, the Father can heal you and put you in His witness-relocation program by relocating you from being a victim who identifies with their hurt to being a victor who identifies with the glory of the Lord in Christ, the Ultimate Victor – who knows a thing or two about being hurt and abused.

Pastor Andrew.

The Pain Caused By Unreasonable Blaming

We’ve all experienced the pain that comes from being blamed for something. Probably because I make more mistakes than most, I get blamed more than most. But for the most part, I deserve it – because, well, I actually am to blame. As a pastor it is a part of my ministry to those in my care to minister healing to their souls which have been wounded with invisible pain. Most of the time these wounded souls wear an impression mask to hide their true pain from others. But in those precious moments of trust, they will take their masks down and let you see into their wounded hearts. But in all my years of pastoral therapy and support for wounded souls, rarely is their a pain that hurts so many so much as unreasonable blame.

Even in laughter the heart may ache, 
and the end of joy may be grief.
Proverbs 14:13

Perhaps the single most disturbing and shocking example of this was when a young lady came and saw me from another church. She told of how, from the age of 5 or so, she had been molested and raped each week by an elder in the church in her family home. The Youth Minister reported her accusation to the Senior Pastor. Neither of them believed her because they considered the elder to be of impeccable character. What followed from her call for help still boggles and outrages me to this day. The Senior Pastor called her and the elder to his church office. He told the girl that she was a liar and needed to apologise to the elder standing in the Pastor’s office with her. The Senior pastor then left his office and closed the door so that she could apologise to the elder! Her allegations were later found to be true, but not before she had had to go into years of psychiatric care. She experienced some of the worst unreasonable blame I have ever dealt with and her unbelievable pain was both understandable and outrageous at the same time due to its grossly unjust nature.  

Bloodthirsty men hate one who is blameless
and seek the life of the upright.
Proverbs 29:10

We live in a world were abusers unreasonably blame their victims. A woman is raped and the rapist blames the woman for being out at night, or wearing what he considered to be a revealing dress. A patient dies and their family blames their doctor for it because he was on his annual leave at the time. Parents lose one of their children while on a camping trip only to find them days later when Search And Rescue discovered their body at the bottom of a cliff. The parents then blame their other child  for not keeping a close enough eye on their sibling. A natural disaster hits a community and dozens of people lose their homes and the electorate blames their political leaders. Unreasonable blame hurts like nothing else and this world is rife with it.

UNJUST BLAMING IS DUE TO OUR SIN NATURE

Unreasonable and unjust blaming began immediately when sin entered into the human race. 

Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. ¶ And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.”
Genesis 3:7-12

Commonly, those who most liberally dispense unreasonable blame and the ones who are battling the most with unresolved guilt. Watch out for the constantly critical person! Chances are they are masking their own guilt and failure by constantly unreasonably blaming others for being inadequate failures. When God held Adam to account, the guilty progenitor of the human race immediately dished out unreasonable and unjustified blame onto his wife. Eve, refusing take this blame, redirected this blame onto the serpent, and the serpent of course didn’t have a leg to stand on.

ACCEPTING APPROPRIATE BLAME  IS ESSENTIAL TO ACCOUNTABILITY

I hate failing. I hate being wrong. But what I hate even more is being blamed when I am. But it is deserved blame. Unless I can accept blame when it is deserved, I cannot be held accountable. If I cannot be held accountable, I cannot become who God wants me to be. Correction from wrong doing or wrong being can only occur when I admit, confess, and repent. As difficult as it is, it requires the core and essential Christian trait – humility –  to do so.

Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
First Peter 5:5

THE KIND-HEARTED ARE SOFT TARGETS FOR UNREASONABLE BLAME

Why do our own family often say the most hurtful things to us? Usually it’s because fellow family members are the softest targets for another member’s frustrations. A ‘soft’ target is a non-moving target and therefore easiest to hit. It doesn’t retaliate. Given the choice between venting our frustration toward someone who has strong, clear unmistakeable boundaries who will not tolerate inappropriate behaviour, and a soft target (someone close to us who unconditionally loves us despite our bad behaviour), we are all more included to take aim at the soft target. 

The challenge then for the kind-hearted, soft target, is to establish clear boundaries with those who seek to expel unreasonable blame on them. The bigger challenge is to get these kind-hearted souls to realise that when they take their stand and refuse to accept this unreasonable blame that they are still being kind-hearted. Clear boundaries often test and reveal the true levels of respect within a relationship. 

Hurt people hurt people.

Guilt-ridden people are highly-critical people.

When parents continually and unreasonably blame one of their children for the plight of their other child, they may actually be admitting to feeling that they have failed to parent their children well enough. In an instance like this, the child who blames their parents or their sibling for their plight is the instigator of this unreasonable blame and is in reality admitting their own failure to take and accept responsibility for their own lives, choices and actions. For as long as they do this, they will remain emotionally, socially, and intellectually stunted. Whenever a family member who is serving as the family’s “soft target” remains reluctant to establish clear boundaries (which nearly always result in a temporary breakdown of their fellowship with their blamers) they perpetuate their own pain, and further the stunting of their fellow family members maturing.

Of course this kind of pain doesn’t just occur within families. It occurs within organisations, churches, work-places, schools, and neighbourhoods. But the principles of remedy are the same. There comes a point when you have establish your boundaries which resemble: I’m prepared to accept blame for those things for which I am truly responsible – but, I cannot, will not, and should not be unreasonably blamed for something that the person primarily responsible for is not prepared to accept responsibility for! In rare occasions this boundary-setting leaves the relationship unhindered. Perhaps this is why it is so difficult for the kind-hearted to set such boundaries. 

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Romans 12:18

A CLOSING WORD TO UNREASONABLE BLAMERS

In my experience, those who unreasonably blame others who cannot reasonably be held responsible, are hurting people. It is human nature to look for someone to blame. Blame can be constructive. I have already mentioned that it is an essential component of accountability. But unreasonable blame is unwarranted blame. It is unfair. It is hurtful. 

It would be my pastoral hope that those who have engaged in unreasonable blaming will find this brief article to be something of a mirror which might help them to recognise the angst they have been causing others. In this hope is the aspiration that just perhaps, the beauty of humility (leading to repentance and seeking forgiveness) will be so attractive that it will then expose the ugliness of toxic and unhelpful judgmentalism. 

May God give you, the unreasonably blamed, the grace to stand within appropriate boundaries. And may God give you, the unreasonably blaming, the grace to walk in humility and seek the forgiveness He offers and of those you have caused unjust pain too. And finally, for those of you who have been emotionally, relationally, and socially stunted, by your reluctance to take responsibility for your own choices, actions, and outcomes, may God heal your hearts, fill you with His peace, overwhelm you with contentment, transform your critical heart into an intercessor’s heart, and turn your mourning into dancing (Psalm 30:11).

In love,

Ps. Andrew