5 INDISPENSABLE GUIDELINE FOR NEW PARENTS

This is not for everyone. If you are already a parent, this is not for you. Instead of reading this I suggest you read one of my other more abstract Pastor’s Desk articles. If you are not a parent and have no intention of ever being a parent, this is not for you. Instead of reading this I suggest you read one of my more weighty articles on FindingTruthMatters.org. If you are not yet a parent and one day hope to become a parent, this is for you. Find a quiet place, take the next six minutes thirteen seconds and use the reading of this article as an investment into your future parenting strategies. I did not invent these guidelines. Like many parents who have also discovered the value of these guidelines, once discovered, they seem obvious. These successful parents probably grew up with own parents who inculcated these guidelines almost intuitively. However, my suspicion is that this is becoming increasingly rarer. As with all true guidelines they are adaptable, flexible, and are not a guarantee of parental success — but if ignored they become the point in the mathematical problem solving where you can see you made an error in your working out. In other words, while these guidelines may not guarantee success, if ignored their neglect almost certainly leads to frustration and disappointment. Here are five indispensable guidelines for every prospective new parent.

Train up a child in the way he should go;
even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6

 

THE JOY AND PRIVILEGE OF PARENTING

Becoming a parent is a privilege not a right. Having and raising children is one of the primary goals for a couple when they get married. From the outset it is important to understand that children do not need parents – they need their father and mother. Any single parent will tell you that it is tough being a single parent. Every single parent has twice the responsibility and only have half the resources when compared to the ideal situation afforded by loving a husband and wife who together raise their child/ren. The partnership of a father and a mother in raising their children is an investment of their time often demanding a great sacrifice personal and even career ambitions. Reflecting on this one mother recently told me, “Sure being a mother is hard work but it is far more rewarding than being the winner of some tennis Grand Slam tournament!” Many young people set off on the journey of married life together expecting that they can start a family at the time of their choosing only to discover that this is not always the case — and even sadly, for some, may never be the case. So, if the Good LORD blesses you with a child in your own marriage journey, you are indeed blessed and privileged, even on those inevitable days when your child is ratty and snooty!  And it’s on those days that it’s going to be difficult for you to appreciate what I am now about to state: without the partnership of committed principle-guided fathers and mothers raising their children, our society does not have hope of seeing God’s will being done on earth as it is in heaven (Matt. 6:10).

Grandchildren are the crown of the aged,
and the glory of children is their fathers.
Proverbs 17:6

Indispensable guideline #1 for new parents, Be consistent – children need routine!

Consistent routines are essential for a child to feel secure. Children are set up to flourish when they up brought up in a secure environment. These routines provide predictability and boundaries. Routines such as bedtime preparation (putting toys away, bathing, pyjamas, and bedtime chats/stories/prayers), mealtime preparation (cleaning up whatever they were playing with, helping to set the table, clearing away dishes from the table, putting all the condiments back in the pantry, washing and drying the dishes), getting in the car preparations (make sure your bed is made, things removed from the bedroom floor and put back where they belong, towels returned to the bathroom and hang-up to dry, socks on shoes on, and depending on the occasion – bags packed).  Of course, mum and dad should model daily routines as they establish consistent bed times, meal times, get-up times, for their child.

Parents need to be appropriate and consistent with discipline and consequences. As your child gets older the appropriateness of the discipline will change – but your consistency should not and discipline should never be done in anger! 

¶ A refusal to correct is a refusal to love;
love your children by disciplining them.
Proverbs 13:24 THE MESSAGE

Indispensable guideline #2 for new parents, Have a Dinner Table – Dinner time is not just about food!

A family dinner table is the sacred meeting venue for a daily family rendezvous. It is the place for daily updates, pastoring by parents, training (where children learn the social skills of staying at the table until everyone else has finished their meal), learning to show thankfulness and appreciation even for unfamiliar food (a social skill necessary whenever dining at someone’s house overseas for example [note 1Cor. 10:27), and it is a place where a father can shepherd his child’s heart by asking questions requiring appropriate thought. The family dining table is the place where each one seated at it is accepted. It is at this sacred dining table where children witness their parents welcoming and accepting occasional guests (even the friends of their children). Jesus Christ often used a dining table as a place where He accepted people, and parents should seek to emulate this to their children.

¶ And as He reclined at table in his house, many tax collectors and sinners were reclining with Jesus and His disciples,
for there were many who followed Him.
Mark 2:15

Indispensable guideline #3 for new parents, Work As A Team – Do not disagree in front of your children!

Parents must agree about how they are going to parent their children and never never disagree with each other in front of their children about how they are to discipline their child’s misbehaviour. All children have a knack for exploiting divisions between their parents – so don’t give them any unnecessary opportunity to do so! I do not, however, want to be misunderstood though. I am not suggesting that your child/ren should never see his or her parents disagree. In fact, parents should model how to resolve disagreements in front of their child/ren. (Hopefully most married couples will remember from their marriage preparation sessions the difference between fighting and arguing.) This is why it is critical for new parents to not neglect their own relationship with each other. Your weekly date is critically important, and your regular quiet end-of-day couch time when your child/ren is/are in bed is similarly indispensable. The strength of any parent-child relationship is grounded in the strength of your marriage.

¶ I appeal to you, brothers, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,
that all of you agree, and that there be no divisions among you,
but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment.
First Corinthians 1:10

Indispensable guideline #4 for new parents, Read Books to Your Child – Books enthral, enchant, excite, and educate a child like nothing else can!

Parents should introduce their child/ren to books from the earliest age because books will let them know that they are not the centre of this world. From picture books with just one or two words on each page, and then progressively to books with more words on each page than pictures, then, as your child grows to understand the power of words which convey concepts, books that are just words. Books are a divinely ordained means by which ideas can be communicated as evidenced by the Bible itself and its encouragement to learn from books as seen in the examples of the apostles who often cited and referred to non-Biblical books (note Acts 17:28 and  2Tim. 4:13). Parents should familiarise their children with as many of the world’s great books as they can (refer to Mortimer J. Adler’s list of Great Books). The act of reading a physical book to your child sends a profound message. Books are then seen as a source of information, entertainment, education, and inspiration for your child/ren. Reading good and appropriate books to your child sets him or her up to learn how to learn and concentrate.  

Let the wise hear and increase in learning,
and the one who understands obtain guidance
Proverbs 1:5

Indispensable guideline #5 for new parents, Commit to Your Church – Show your child why God is great!

Children need to learn that they are members of two families – their natural family and their spiritual-community (church) family. Parents should make a commitment to making attending church with their children as one of their highest priorities. When children watch their parents make attending church one of the most important parts of their week, they come to see that God must be great, very great. Even when they are young and it may mean that either parent has to sit with or nurse their child at the expense of their own worship experience, it sends a tremendously powerful and fruitful message to their children. Enrolling them into Kids Church when they are old enough and then having them join the church’s youth group when they commence High School, will pay enormous dividends both socially and spiritually. Being a part of a church community is something every parent should teach their children from birth so that they have the best opportunity to come to know Christ from the earliest age.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
Psalm 127:4-5

Parenting is a great blessing. Kim and I have been blessed by the Lord giving us four grown children (with just one left at home). I strongly encourage every prospective parent to plan now on how they can learn to be the best father of mother they can be. The result could potentially be the transformation of our culture.

And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 
You shall teach them diligently to your children,
and shall talk of them when you sit in your house,
and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down,
and when you rise.
Deuteronomy 6:6-7

Your Pastor,

Andrew

Let me know what you think below in the comment section and feel free to share this someone who might benefit from this Pastor’s Desk. 

THE PRODIGAL FATHER

Does anyone know what the word prodigal means? Perhaps most people assume that it means: “wanderer”, or “rebel”, or perhaps even “backslider” or that it only applies to sons. This seems to be based on the story that Jesus told in Luke 15 to which most Bible Publishers assign the division title - The Parable of the Prodigal Son. But the word prodigal does not occur in this parable. Interestingly, there are three lead characters in this shocking and famous parable: the father and his two sons. One of these was genuinely ‘prodigal’, and, as Tim Keller points out, it was neither son! To appreciate what Keller means we might need to take another look at what the word prodigal actually means. It comes from the verb prodigious which means remarkably great in extent, size, or degree (New Oxford American Dictionary). It is a word often used to describe an author who regularly writes books - John Grisham is a prodigious author. A prodigal person is therefore, prolific, extravagant, excessive, and, lavish. Keller points out that even though most people ascribe this to the wayward son in the parable, it is more appropriately a designation for the lead character in the story, the father!

Jesus told this parable to grumbling Pharisees and scribes who resented that Jesus was welcoming “tax collectors and sinners [who] were all drawing near to Him” (Luke 15:1-2). Christ tells these religious folk three “lost” parables - the lost sheep, the lost coin, and the lost son. The twist in the last of these parables comes at the end when it is revealed that it is not the formerly wayward son who was lost, but the upright, dutiful, rule-keeping, son instead! The older son seems to be representing those who were keeping the Heavenly Father’s Old Covenant, while the formerly wayward but repentant son seems to be representing all those who have turned to the Heavenly Father in faith and repentance and accepted the New Covenant of God’s grace and forgiveness.

And the younger of them said to his father,
‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’
And he divided his property between them.
Luke 15:12

But it becomes clear from Christ’s parable that the Father loves both boys dearly (revealing His love for both Jews and Gentiles). The father’s deep love for both of his sons was also tinged with the hope that each of them would return that love toward him, but initially, neither did. This tells us a lot about who the lead character in this story represents. God the Father is immeasurably loving and kind toward each of us and, like the father in this parabolic story, He too longs for each of us to return that love to Him.

The demand by the younger son in Christ’s story would have been shocking and scandalous to Jesus’ original Jewish audience. No Jewish father would have tolerated such perfidiousness from their son! But not only does the father grant his younger son’s demand, he actually also divided his property between the older and younger sons! The father had given away everything he had to his two sons! 

Initially, the listener would have been given the impression that it was the younger son who had rejected his father. But by the end of the story they would have learned that it was both of the father’s sons who had rejected him, yet it was the younger son who had turned to his father in an acknowledgment of his guilt and shame and sought his father’s forgiveness.

Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had
and took a journey into a far country,
and there he squandered his property in reckless living.
Luke 15:13

While his wayward son was off breaking his father’s heart and trashing their family name, the father was ever hopeful that his son would soon realise the truth – that he was loved, cared for, nurtured, and provided for by his loving father – and always had been. Sometimes it takes the wayward to hit rock-bottom before they look up.

Things got so bad for the younger wayward son that he stooped as low as he could go just to survive. Again, in a shocking twist, he got a job feeding pigs (Lk. 15:15)! This was something no-self-respecting Jew would even countenance! Yet it was at his lowest point that the wayward came to his senses and realised what a fool he had been. He was prepared to return to his father and plead for him not to accept him back as a son, but as a hired-servant (Luke 15:18-19). Ironically, this was already the self-perceived status of his older brother.

The father in this story again did something completely unthinkable to any betrayed Jewish father – he ran to meet his perfidious son! And to make matters worse for the Pharisees and scribes, the father gave his son five symbols of love and acceptance: (i) An embrace; (ii) A kiss; (iii) a robe; (iv) a ring; and, (v) a pair of sandals. The younger son had taken the time spent in the long journey home to rehearse what he would say to his father, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants” (Lk. 15:18b-19a). Despite his repeated rehearsal of this plea, all he was able to say when eventually reached his father was, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’  But this was enough. It expressed his repentance and contrition. And with that abbreviated plea for forgiveness instigated not by words but attitude and action, his father ran to him, welcomed him, and restored him. Since this father is a portrayal of our Heavenly father it reveals a treasure-trove of insights of what He is like as well.

The fact that the father, despite having given away all he had as a premature inheritance to his two sons, was able to recover financially in a relatively short period of time – so that he could put on a lavish (prodigious) celebration feast for the return of his formerly wayward son, should tell us a lot about our heavenly father. Just as the father in this story was generous, gracious, merciful, optimistic, loving, kind, and diligent, so is our Heavenly Father. 

There is, though, a warning in this story, which is embodied by the attitude of the older son. He treated his father as his master, his employer. His relationship with his father was purely functional requiring him to dutifully serve his father. This older son deprived himself of his father’s love and ended up the way of all father-deprived children. He became angry, resentful, judgmental, and bitter. This older son represents all that is bad about the Old Covenant. 

The older son was angry. He was angry at his father. He was angry at his brother. The father was grieved when his younger son betrayed him. But the father was also grieved that his older son would not eat a meal with him. The prodigal father loved to celebrate. He enjoyed music, dancing, feasting, happiness. The return of his repentant younger son gave him the reason to once again celebrate because their relationship had now been restored. The fact that the father and his younger son were now reunited had never meant that there was no room in the father’s heart to celebrate his relationship with his older son. In fact, he had longed for his older son to celebrate this with him. And this should once again teach us something about God our Heavenly Father that is worth us celebrating together this weekend.

This is why Tim Keller says that this parable of Christ reveals something gloriously magnificent about our Father God, that He is, in the best sense of the word prodigal, our Prodigal Heavenly Father! 

Your Pastor,

Andrew

Let me know what you think below in the comment section and feel free to share this someone who might benefit from this Pastor’s Desk.

MAN UP!

MAN UP!

When I was growing up there were a lot movies in cinemas and on TV about rugged cowboys—and even commercials being made that featured other rugged cowboys. Men were presented as manly. Then along came James Bond, who knew how to fly any plane, pilot a car that could be driven off a pier into the sea as his Lotus that turned doubled as a submarine, and ski down the blackest run in the world and parachute (with a Union Jack) off a 5,000 foot cliff back into civilisation in a tuxedo. And, of course, time prevents me from talking about the super-heroes like Superman, Spiderman, and Batman, who lived secretly with their true identities while saving the world each weekday afternoon in under 30 minutes (including commercials). But over time, I came to be a little disturbed with Hollywood’s presentation of what it meant to be a man because each of these men lacked the essential qualities for what it truly means to be a man.

“I am about to go the way of all the earth. Be strong, and show yourself a man!“
(The dying King David to his young son, and heir to his throne, Solomon) First Kings 2:2

ESSENTIAL MANHOOD

We are now on the verge of a theological tsunami. A generation is now growing up where the concepts of manhood, husband and father — each Biblical metaphors for God — have been distorted. This might well be the biggest challenge the Church has ever faced in its 2,000 years of existence! And I want us to be a part of the prevention and solution!

While my growing up years were characterised by these rather rugged, solitary, hero-type, men, I must confess that I found something quite charming and even endearing about The Brady Bunch. There was something quite appealing to me about three girls who had lost their dad, and three boys who had lost their mum, have their losses mutually covered by their surviving parents getting married. I found the solution that Mr Brady provided for these three girls and their mum to be a beautiful and very noble idea. It inspired me to also want to have six children of my own when I grew up! Perhaps this is one of the reasons why I took careful note of those parents who stood out to me as a great parents. Even though, at about the age of 6, I hadn’t factored in the necessity of this plan involving one day getting married, I overlooked this gap in my plan and watched how great parents went about fulfilling their roles. What I observed dramatically altered my concept of what it meant to be a man. My new revelation of what essential manhood involved caused me to feel quite inadequate. And this was a problem for me, because as a teenager I could not deny the growing sense of God’s call on my life to be a pastor. But how could ever become a pastor if I was so inadequate? I was so concerned about this, I spoke with my church’s youth group leader, David ( ) Outhred, about what my options were considering my inadequacies. He essentially told me to “Man up!“

¶ “The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife”
First Timothy 3:1-2a

BEING A MAN

The parents that I observed who were doing a great job with their kids all had two things in common. Firstly, they parented as a team. Their relationship with each other was the strength of their parenting. They genuinely loved each other. Secondly, they parented intentionally which involved them willingly making certain sacrifices in order to be parents. They genuinely loved their children, but this never meant that their kids were the centre of their lives—God was! They taught their kids, by using a parent’s best friend ~ consistency ~ that when they said “No” they didn’t mean, “If you keep asking I’ll say yes just to shut you up.” Their love for their kids was unconditional, even though their saying “No” at times brought defiance and childish accusations of unfairness. This requires tireless courage on the part of mum and dad. Too often though, I noticed that some dads didn’t work as a team with their soul-mate. It was if they saw raising children as the woman’s job(?). Additionally, some men were easily broken down by their children’s defiance, and became very inconsistent with their parenting. Perhaps without realising it, these dads were undermining the efforts of their wives to teach their children some of life’s most essential and necessary lessons!

Solo-parenting presents a whole other set of difficulties. If you ever get to talk to a single parent and their challenges in parenting, and I’ve talked with many about this, they will tell you that they have twice the workload with half the resources to accomplish it. Single parenting is a tough gig. But so is parenting as a couple! Especially when the man is not playing his part. And too many women, not all of course, are left to become solo-parents because the father of their child/ren has abducted or fled his responsibilities.

Being a dad demands that a man becomes a different man in order to be a husband and a dad. All too often this is too big of a hill for many men to climb, and they run and hide (into their work, into their shed, or into their fishing gear) to avoid the climb. Little wonder then that Hollywood (largely comprised of male film producers!) depicts manly men as playboys with little responsibilities to “tie them down”, and married men—who are fathers—as buffoons! (An example below:)

THE ULTIMATE MAN

So Jesus came out, wearing the crown of thorns and the purple robe. Pilate said to them, “Behold the man!”
John 19:5

Consider Jesus (Heb. 3:1). Consider this man, who Pilate presented to Israel as the man (Jn. 19:5).

• He gladly spent time with children (Matt. 18:2-5; watch)
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• He protected vulnerable and at-risk women (John 8:10-11)
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• He endorsed and gave support to parents (Lk. 8:41-42)
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• He honoured marriage between a man and a woman (John 2:1-11; watch; Matt. 19:4-6)
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Consider also how Jesus presented a radical view of God. While Israel had had a concept of Yahweh (God) as their Father (Isaiah 63:16), it was not until Jesus that anyone thought of Yahweh as my Father. In what must have sounded like a shocking way to speak of Yahweh, Jesus used a very intimate Aramaic word for father when speaking of God – Abba (Mk 13:36). The epistle writers regarded this Aramaic word for God The Father as so precious, they often transliterated it directly into Greek rather than using the Greek word (‘pater’). 

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by Whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”
Romans 8:15

And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!”
Galatians 4:6

This Aramaic word, Abba, is best translated into English as ‘Daddy‘ or ‘Daddy dear‘. It is an incredibly affectionate term of endearment. This is how the disciples heard Jesus pray to His Father.

THREE THINGS MEN CAN LEARN FROM THE ULTIMATE MAN

When it comes to saving the world, Jesus was greater than any made-up super-hero. When comes to fulfilling a mission, Jesus was greater than fictional British playboy spy. Jesus was also the greatest lover of women ever — and yet, He never had sex. Jesus was the strongest, smartest, wisest, most ethical, sinless, purest, courageous, virtuous, determined, man ever. He didn’t see children as nuisances. He didn’t treat women as objects. He didn’t use vicious humour to belittle. He protected the weak. He looked after the poor. He ate with the marginalised. He assisted foreigners. He blessed struggling small-business operators. He gave of Himself to soldiers who were oppressors and invaders of his nation. There is much for men to emulate from the example of Jesus The Christ. Here’s three things every man, who will one day be—or is—a husband and father:

1. Love your wife. Treat her with unfair kindness (grace). Christ does for His (Ephesians 5:25). Get to know her. Find out what her favourites are. Discover what all of her likes and dislikes are. Learn how to apologise to her. Date her regularly. Notice her (be particularly alert to new hairstyles!). Write her a love poem – at least once a year (see Mick Dadson for tips on how to do this). Listen to her point of view and prove to her that you understand it. Remember, the strength of relationship with her determines the strength of your parenting and the level of security that your children will enjoy.
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2. Play with your kids. Teach your children what true and real love is. Teach your children the stories of the Bible. Teach your children who God is and what He is like. And play with your children. Let them see and experience how man who is much bigger, much stronger, and much smarter than them, can restrain each of these attributes to help them to enjoy their time with dad and have happy memories of their children where they laughed a lot (Ephesians 6:4). Remember that your holidays together are going to be some of the fondest memories your children will ever have. Start saving now for your next family holiday.
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3. Don’t make your wife or your kids the centre of your life – it will ruin them. When someone lives with anyone other than God as the centre of their life, the calls this idolatry (1Cor. 10:14). The centre of Christ’s world was His Abba, not His disciples, and not even His Church. But because of His love for His Father, He could love His disciples, His followers, and those He interacted with even though some of them were considered His enemies. Your love for God as a husband and a father strengthens your number one mission in life for your wife and children: to help bring them closer to God. This is why things like family devotions, or dinner time prayers, or bedside Bible stories, are so important for fathers who love their children. It is also why attending church as a family is critically important because it helps to keep God as the Centre of our lives. 
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THE THEOLOGICAL TSUNAMI

The reason I state this this is potentially a theological tsunami that will make our mission even more difficult, is that our presentation of God is the one that Christ gave us to deliver to the world – that God is our Heavenly Father, our Abba. Because of the perception that many of this generation are getting of what a man and father is, there ability to know God as their Heavenly Father is impeded. For those of us who know God as our Abba, we know that there are times when He says “No” to our prayer requests. Good, loving, kind, fathers must, at times, say “No” to their children. But a generation that has been drawn into the devil’s sticky web of deception and beguiled into the lie that are entitled to have whatever they want — in fact, they have a right to whatever they want, are going to struggle with a God who says “No” but still unconditionally loves them. Unless, of course, we provide them of counter-examples of loving, kind, considerate, generous, manhood and fatherhood that reflects who God the Father really is. If we can do that, at least in our island state, we might just have a chance of staving off this looming theologically incorrect tsunami.

 Pastor Andrew.